As I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning, I realized it was a Catholic Holiday of Our Lady's Annunciation, and it was the day we brought Brian home 18 years ago from the Veteran's Hospital in Santa Monica, California. Boy what a ride that was!!! They flew Brian and I from LA to Nellis Air Force Base where an ambulance met us and brought him to our other home in Las Vegas. The house we are in now, we purchased and remodeled for his care. The other house was a tri-level and very difficult for me to get him around without having to use ramps and move them around myself.
It was a wonderful occasion bringing him home since we would have Brian home to celebrate my birthday a couple days later.
This was the beginning of a lifestyle I would have never dreamed of accomplishing. My whole life changed the day we brought Brian home. Our whole family's lives changed that day too. We were touched in a way that could never have happened as a result of caring for Brian. Amazing!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Packing up
We are getting ready to sell this house - the house we bought to care for Brian. I started yesterday with Brian's service photos and senior photo - it is so sad to do this. I miss him so and I cry as I carefully pack each momento of Brian's away.
Monday, August 3, 2009
On my mind
I've been delinquent posting on this blog because of the seriousness most days of my thoughts and feelings for Brian. I need to take time to really make a commitment for him to follow through daily.
This past weekend the high school he attended had their reunion. I know this because I have a FaceBook page and many of my Friends are the kids now grown adults that Brian grew up with or knew from high school. It has been very bittersweet since starting the FaceBook and have the friends from Brian write about their life, but I do feel a joy at hearing from them. I've also picked up on some of the parents of the kids and some were dear friends of mine.
It was sort of odd when some had asked about Brian and were surprised to find out he had passed away. These individuals had moved away from the town where they all grew up so that was reasonable to know. Some made comments about Brian being so kind and nice. And, that he was.
No matter how much time passes I miss him and his laugh most of all. I remember his temper and lack of control especially playing tennis in Germany. He said he was always having to buy new tennis rackets. I would imagine by this time in his life he would have good control on that temper.
He had a girlfriend who loved him as much as he loved her and I know she would have had a very positive effect on him. He would have been such a great father. The last time he was home, Tom was just a toddler and Brian was great with him.
Brian was a balanced and grounded individual with deep faith commitment to God. I know he would have had a good influence on our other kids and especially Tom.
I read that the VA hospital in Houston, Texas, have received several millions of dollars for TBI research. They do need the money especially now with the soldiers coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan with TBI. I feel like they didn't have all the information on brain injuries they needed both at the military hospital and the VA hospital in LA. The VA hospital was connected with the UCLA medical training hospital. Brian did have an examination once by two excellent doctors in training. It was refreshing getting an opinion from them, although, they were not able to offer an hope.
Once we got Brian home, it had been mentioned why they didn't put a tube in his brain to drain the swelling - that was a good question. This procedure should have been done right away or as things were occurring. I don't know and because I was so stupid on those things at that time, I didn't know what questions to ask.
How can you ask a question or inquire about any type of care if you have never experiences an illness before or have the benefit of a family member or friend with that experience. We were so alone. I knew of no one who had ever had a child with severe brain damage. It was a difficult time, but Bob and are are very independent and we did our best for Brian. Our hope was always high even during the times when the physician I had back then had no encouragement for me. He would ask me why I have so much hope - he was a discouragement as a physician. We were finally able to find an excellent physician who worked with us until Brian passed away and we are still good friends.
We are able to re-do Brian's room. We have been trying to get it together to paint the interior of the house since we may be selling. I had wallpaper with ducks and hunting stuff put in Brian's room because growing up on the farm he loved to hunt. But, he never regained his sight and never realized how his room looked. His bed left the rug very loose and there are wheel print in the rug today. We'll be stripping the wallpaper and replacing the rug. I'm not doing this to lessen the pain of Brian's death, but because it's time. It will be difficult, I think, just as it was when the VA came and took away his bed, lift, gurney, oxygen tanks, and all the equipment I had for his survival. They were so kind, they weren't ready to rush in and take everything away quickly because they wanted to - but they were respectful of our pain. We had grown close with many of those I worked with for so many years caring for Brian.
It's been almost twenty years since Brian's accident. So much happened between that time - it's almost like a picture book when you flash the pages quickly by - many changes.
This past weekend the high school he attended had their reunion. I know this because I have a FaceBook page and many of my Friends are the kids now grown adults that Brian grew up with or knew from high school. It has been very bittersweet since starting the FaceBook and have the friends from Brian write about their life, but I do feel a joy at hearing from them. I've also picked up on some of the parents of the kids and some were dear friends of mine.
It was sort of odd when some had asked about Brian and were surprised to find out he had passed away. These individuals had moved away from the town where they all grew up so that was reasonable to know. Some made comments about Brian being so kind and nice. And, that he was.
No matter how much time passes I miss him and his laugh most of all. I remember his temper and lack of control especially playing tennis in Germany. He said he was always having to buy new tennis rackets. I would imagine by this time in his life he would have good control on that temper.
He had a girlfriend who loved him as much as he loved her and I know she would have had a very positive effect on him. He would have been such a great father. The last time he was home, Tom was just a toddler and Brian was great with him.
Brian was a balanced and grounded individual with deep faith commitment to God. I know he would have had a good influence on our other kids and especially Tom.
I read that the VA hospital in Houston, Texas, have received several millions of dollars for TBI research. They do need the money especially now with the soldiers coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan with TBI. I feel like they didn't have all the information on brain injuries they needed both at the military hospital and the VA hospital in LA. The VA hospital was connected with the UCLA medical training hospital. Brian did have an examination once by two excellent doctors in training. It was refreshing getting an opinion from them, although, they were not able to offer an hope.
Once we got Brian home, it had been mentioned why they didn't put a tube in his brain to drain the swelling - that was a good question. This procedure should have been done right away or as things were occurring. I don't know and because I was so stupid on those things at that time, I didn't know what questions to ask.
How can you ask a question or inquire about any type of care if you have never experiences an illness before or have the benefit of a family member or friend with that experience. We were so alone. I knew of no one who had ever had a child with severe brain damage. It was a difficult time, but Bob and are are very independent and we did our best for Brian. Our hope was always high even during the times when the physician I had back then had no encouragement for me. He would ask me why I have so much hope - he was a discouragement as a physician. We were finally able to find an excellent physician who worked with us until Brian passed away and we are still good friends.
We are able to re-do Brian's room. We have been trying to get it together to paint the interior of the house since we may be selling. I had wallpaper with ducks and hunting stuff put in Brian's room because growing up on the farm he loved to hunt. But, he never regained his sight and never realized how his room looked. His bed left the rug very loose and there are wheel print in the rug today. We'll be stripping the wallpaper and replacing the rug. I'm not doing this to lessen the pain of Brian's death, but because it's time. It will be difficult, I think, just as it was when the VA came and took away his bed, lift, gurney, oxygen tanks, and all the equipment I had for his survival. They were so kind, they weren't ready to rush in and take everything away quickly because they wanted to - but they were respectful of our pain. We had grown close with many of those I worked with for so many years caring for Brian.
It's been almost twenty years since Brian's accident. So much happened between that time - it's almost like a picture book when you flash the pages quickly by - many changes.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I signed up for the social entity - Facebook, about a month ago. I'm not too sure about all of it because there is a lot of stuff going on. The majority of people on my page consists of some old friends from where I grew up in Ohio and many of my friends are from Kentucky, primarily where the kids grew up on the farm and the Catholic Church we attended and the schools they attended.
One of the girls that I knew from church who attended the school with Brian posted a photo of the Confirmation class from our church in La Center. You know, it's a strange thing but I never know when the thought of Brian is going to hit me hard, and seeing him way back then really did me in and I had to sign off the computer completely.
My hair dresser and good friend, Kim, and I were talking this morning about how it feels losing a child. She said because she has never lost one but she can't imagine the feelings. It can be unbearable some times just thinking about him - doesn't matter that it's been nine years. I had hoped to write down how it was taking care of him for all the years he was here at home, but I don't know if I could get through it. I'm putting it off until I have no interruptions and no responsibilities. It is very depressing to think back to that time.
Brian was such a special person. I can still hear him laughing. He was a big tease, thoughtful and loving.
The youngins that my boys knew back then that I now read their Facebook comments are grown with teenage children. It is wonderful, though, they remember Bob and I, and especially the kids. It's a small farming community where everyone knows everyone. Pot lucks, get togethers, and Bible School in the summers are common. It was a great place for the kids to grow up.
One of the girls that I knew from church who attended the school with Brian posted a photo of the Confirmation class from our church in La Center. You know, it's a strange thing but I never know when the thought of Brian is going to hit me hard, and seeing him way back then really did me in and I had to sign off the computer completely.
My hair dresser and good friend, Kim, and I were talking this morning about how it feels losing a child. She said because she has never lost one but she can't imagine the feelings. It can be unbearable some times just thinking about him - doesn't matter that it's been nine years. I had hoped to write down how it was taking care of him for all the years he was here at home, but I don't know if I could get through it. I'm putting it off until I have no interruptions and no responsibilities. It is very depressing to think back to that time.
Brian was such a special person. I can still hear him laughing. He was a big tease, thoughtful and loving.
The youngins that my boys knew back then that I now read their Facebook comments are grown with teenage children. It is wonderful, though, they remember Bob and I, and especially the kids. It's a small farming community where everyone knows everyone. Pot lucks, get togethers, and Bible School in the summers are common. It was a great place for the kids to grow up.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Nine years
I am doing a lot of room changing recently which meant going through lots of files and packing up photos and stuff. I came across an envelope which was stored between some photo albums. On the front of the envelope the return address was from The White House, Washington, DC. I opened up the envelope and inside was a document stating "The United States of America honors the memory of Brian P. Sullivan. This certificate is awarded by a grateful nation in recognition of devoted and selfless consecration to the service of our country in the Armed Forces of the United States. It was signed by William J. Clinton, President of the United States.
And, with the document was a photo of Brian when he was serving in the U. S. Army.
I had forgotten we received this and it brought back so many memories of Brian. We took flowers to his gravesite on the ninth anniversary of his passing. It is difficult to adjust to how the time has passed since the night he left us. He was so sick. I know he is in a better place now, but I really do miss him and his laugh.
I have recently joined Facebook and many of the friends he went to school with are on the same Facebook that I am, including many of Brian's close friends. It is wonderful to read about their lives and their children. I know each of us has a part of a plan that God has in motion for us. I have to realize that Brian fulfilled his part and God needed him in Heaven. I believe also that Brian's life touched many especially when he was sick.
Please take care and God bless.
And, with the document was a photo of Brian when he was serving in the U. S. Army.
I had forgotten we received this and it brought back so many memories of Brian. We took flowers to his gravesite on the ninth anniversary of his passing. It is difficult to adjust to how the time has passed since the night he left us. He was so sick. I know he is in a better place now, but I really do miss him and his laugh.
I have recently joined Facebook and many of the friends he went to school with are on the same Facebook that I am, including many of Brian's close friends. It is wonderful to read about their lives and their children. I know each of us has a part of a plan that God has in motion for us. I have to realize that Brian fulfilled his part and God needed him in Heaven. I believe also that Brian's life touched many especially when he was sick.
Please take care and God bless.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
In a couple of days, it will be the ninth anniversary of Brian's passing. Just the other day a guy Brian went to school with in Kentucky, asked how he was doing. He didn't realize or had forgotten Brian was gone.
There is still so much sadness due to the void he leaves. He was a unique person. He would have been a wonderful husband and father. He would have brought much to our family get togethers. He was the conservative one that kept out of trouble. Well, pretty much, but he had high values.
It's allergy season and I didn't know much about allergies back then except Brian had it. He was on oxygen, at first only when he needed it, but towards the last couple of months more and more, more often. It was almost his time.
There is still so much sadness due to the void he leaves. He was a unique person. He would have been a wonderful husband and father. He would have brought much to our family get togethers. He was the conservative one that kept out of trouble. Well, pretty much, but he had high values.
It's allergy season and I didn't know much about allergies back then except Brian had it. He was on oxygen, at first only when he needed it, but towards the last couple of months more and more, more often. It was almost his time.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Brothers talking
Last night Bob and I stepped outside to say good night to the boys. Don had stopped by on his way through town. He and Kevin were at the smoking table out in the backyard. They were having a beer and chatting about Brian and one particular incident Brian was involved in when he was a teenager. Bob happened in on the discussion as he passed by on the way to the trash. Don was asking questions about the location of the incident. Brian had wrecked Bob's old used Oldsmobile but Don was relating the story incorrectly and when Bob told Don so, he shouted out a few choice works about his brother and the fact he wasn't totally honest at how he wrecked the car that day on Government Pond Road.
We lived on the farm at the time and as you may know there are a lot of country gravel roads in the country. Brian had two friends in the car with him that day and they were Sullivan's too - distant cousins, I think. The boys were on their way fishing at the government pond which is located on the gravel road not far from our place. There are a few homes on that road but none directly in the area around the pond.
The story Don had, he said from Brian, was Brian tried to jump the hill going at a fast rate of speed, but Bob's story was different. Bob said Brian was trying to spin out in a circle and lost control of the car. The car ended up upside down in a ditch which was a blessing! The boys were able to climb out of the car and none of them were hurt. God was watching out. A neighbor happened down the road and came to our house and got us - no cell phones then! When we arrived at the scene of the accident the two Sullivan boys were sitting on the hill acting very innocent - and Brian was pacing. He knew from the look on his dad's face he was in trouble. Brian always had a guilty conscience anyhow, and he was really sorry he messed up.
Bob had bought this Oldsmobile from a friend and it was a good used car. Back in those days it wasn't as common to have two cars or more to a family. But, we lived way out in the country and Bob wanted me to have some transportation, and there was a point when we could financially afford an second car albeit older and used, but it ran well and got him to work. After Brian's speedo escapade there was no second car anymore. Not much was said to either Brian or the two Sullivan boys. Brian knew he really screwed up big time without Bob having to say much. Bob was upset about the car, but was very very thankful the boys weren't hurt. I don't remember the punishment for that incident but Brian never tried that again.
I was out of sight but not out of hearing range last night as the boys were talking about Brian. Don was very excited and laughing and saying things about Brian since in Don's mind Brian had told him the story a little differently than what really happened. I was contented as I listened to the boys and Bob reminisce. I think it is special when I hear the boys talking about their past experiences growing up. I enjoy hearing them talk about Brian, although it may be a little one sided since Brian's not here to defend himself against any misgivings or false stories either Kevin or Don may tell. I am certain they have told a few tales that weren't entirely accurate about Brian.
Brothers always have stories to tell about each other. They don't want to be the ones on the outside in double dutch all the time and its easy to point the finger when the other one's not around. I wish Brian was here to put in his two cents. Those three boys sure kept me busy. Suzanne being the only girl was one tough cookie too - she could definitely hold her own and still can. Having three brothers will do that to a girl, I suppose.
I know Brian is with us, I know he would want to be right in the middle of the conversation and having a beer with his brothers. Someday - in Heaven when all is said and done, we'll all meet again and have a beer in celebration!
We lived on the farm at the time and as you may know there are a lot of country gravel roads in the country. Brian had two friends in the car with him that day and they were Sullivan's too - distant cousins, I think. The boys were on their way fishing at the government pond which is located on the gravel road not far from our place. There are a few homes on that road but none directly in the area around the pond.
The story Don had, he said from Brian, was Brian tried to jump the hill going at a fast rate of speed, but Bob's story was different. Bob said Brian was trying to spin out in a circle and lost control of the car. The car ended up upside down in a ditch which was a blessing! The boys were able to climb out of the car and none of them were hurt. God was watching out. A neighbor happened down the road and came to our house and got us - no cell phones then! When we arrived at the scene of the accident the two Sullivan boys were sitting on the hill acting very innocent - and Brian was pacing. He knew from the look on his dad's face he was in trouble. Brian always had a guilty conscience anyhow, and he was really sorry he messed up.
Bob had bought this Oldsmobile from a friend and it was a good used car. Back in those days it wasn't as common to have two cars or more to a family. But, we lived way out in the country and Bob wanted me to have some transportation, and there was a point when we could financially afford an second car albeit older and used, but it ran well and got him to work. After Brian's speedo escapade there was no second car anymore. Not much was said to either Brian or the two Sullivan boys. Brian knew he really screwed up big time without Bob having to say much. Bob was upset about the car, but was very very thankful the boys weren't hurt. I don't remember the punishment for that incident but Brian never tried that again.
I was out of sight but not out of hearing range last night as the boys were talking about Brian. Don was very excited and laughing and saying things about Brian since in Don's mind Brian had told him the story a little differently than what really happened. I was contented as I listened to the boys and Bob reminisce. I think it is special when I hear the boys talking about their past experiences growing up. I enjoy hearing them talk about Brian, although it may be a little one sided since Brian's not here to defend himself against any misgivings or false stories either Kevin or Don may tell. I am certain they have told a few tales that weren't entirely accurate about Brian.
Brothers always have stories to tell about each other. They don't want to be the ones on the outside in double dutch all the time and its easy to point the finger when the other one's not around. I wish Brian was here to put in his two cents. Those three boys sure kept me busy. Suzanne being the only girl was one tough cookie too - she could definitely hold her own and still can. Having three brothers will do that to a girl, I suppose.
I know Brian is with us, I know he would want to be right in the middle of the conversation and having a beer with his brothers. Someday - in Heaven when all is said and done, we'll all meet again and have a beer in celebration!
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