Title

I suppose it may seem questionable why I would name this blog Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream for my Son Brian. I'll explain, Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream is my very favorite flavor ice cream, always has been. There are two types of cherry vanilla - one is the dark cherry and the other is the cherry like the marachino cherries you buy in a bottle. The one I like is the cherry like the marachino - you use it in recipes like Banana Split Cake, in mixed drinks and lemonaide and other special things. The catch is - today my favorite is VERY difficult to find.

On our birthdays, the birthday person picks out their choice of flavor ice cream and cake. We have searched all over our area for my Cherry Vanilla - there's the dark cherries, but it has a heavier less sweet taste than the one I prefer.

My son Brian was my second child, he was a sweet child, thoughtful, considerate and loving. He bought me the most beautiful gifts. He was helpful. He wrote wonderfully long letters when he was in the Army. He loved God and never lost his faith when he left home. He was helpful and a hard worker. He had a fabulous laugh and a temper. He loved his mom and dad and his sister and brothers and nephew. He was honest and trustworthy. He was a good son. Brian was the dependable one.

I dedicated almost 10 years of my life taking care of Brian after his accident and I would do it again. When he died, so did a part of me. There is an emptiness, a void, and a silence when he was and should be. If you love something so much there is no label you can give it, but there is yearning for the presence, the laugh, smile and a word. Never did he ever say good-bye without saying I Love You Mom!

My search for Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream is not the same as the yearning for my son, but the sweet memories and desire for having it or being with my son is as close to talking about it as can be expressed.

Dreams

Brian has been gone almost nine years now and it never ceases to amaze Bob and I how his spirit still surrounds us. I am usually reluctant to bring up dreams because unless someone has experienced the same another may think I have lost my mind. I guess another phenomenon that goes with that is feeling is an aura when nothing is in eye sight. I am a very sensitive person and have premonitions so i guess all of those experiences go hand in hand. Ok, don't get the idea I am some kind of gypsy or fortune teller, I am just a normal sensitive mom that cries very easily at most sad movies, especially with babies, dogs, and old men.

Every once in awhile Brian comes to me in my dreams. I'm not so naive to believe that God has literally sent Brian down from heaven to visit me in my dreams but then could that be? I don't know what creates the environment for the dreams of Brian, maybe something that's happened during the day, but sometimes,there's been nothing to invoke the thoughts. I will admit however yesterday was a Brian day. The heating and air conditioning guys are here and they are attempting to removing lines for two humidifiers we had put in back when we bought this house in 1993. The water lines are up in the attic which in this house is actually only a crawl space.

Brian had severe respiratory problems and he was on oxygen. We thought having a humidifier would help Brian's breathing in this dry climate. It turns out the humidifier didn't work appropriately and after a period of time, Bob turned the water lines off because they were leaking. Today, they are trying to find out where the lines were run so they can disconnect and removed the units. We are selling the house so I guess we will be stimulating many of Brian's spirits as we paint and repair over knicks and knaks where Brian's wheelchair has dented, or in his room where the rug has wrinkled from rolling around the lift I used to get him out of bed. This was Brian's house, it was bought to care for him because of the open floor plan, everything was remodeled and arranged around him. It will serve another disabled person well if they chose to buy it.

My dreams of Brian are always happy. Last night's dream he was giving me a hug. Brian was a great hugger. He was 6 ft 4 and very buffed. He strived to keep physically fit all of his life - he was very slender. Brian had severe brain damage and was "on the brain injury scale" as a low level response, but Brian had his own method of responding and communicating that we understood. Of course, he never did anything to show off when we were with the doctors, at the hospital, or with strangers.

After experiencing one of Brian's dreams, we are left with a sad distant feeling. Our dreams are so real just like he is here in person. Its hard to let him go.