I started this blog about Brian so I could put in words the experiences I had taking care of him, but it is difficult coming to this place and stirring up all those memories that I have suppressed. Remembering puts me in a depressed mood and there's been a lot of that going around here anyhow so I haven't wanted more. But, I know I need to write, it will be good for my soul to see it and read it from time to time. My experiences are probably unique. I do not know of anyone personally who has taken on the responsibility of caring for a totally disabled person as I have, especially when I didn't have to. I do not think myself special and above it all to have done this but at the time I was driven with the love and caring for my son Brian.
I had always been an independent person, thinking outside the box, never picking the popular road to travel, always willing for a challenge, if you said no, it can't be done, I would say, watch me! So, it was with Brian. I must be feeling sad for myself today because I feel as though I let him down in some things when he grew up, like he needed braces but I couldn't find the money in our budget, they were so expensive in those days and services not as plentiful as they are today. When he went into the Army and was graduating from boot camp, he wanted he to attend his graduation in another state but we couldn't - it was always the money and the farm. I think back and regret why didn't I find a way to go. Brian always tried harder to succeed than any of the other of my children - not to be impressive but because it was his disposition. Maybe I felt taking responsibility of caring for him was my way of feeling even for the things I couldn't give to him when he was growing up or what I couldn't do because of money. Guilt, I suppose, but protection too. It was about the care in the VA hospital at the time, I couldn't take it.
One of the last meetings we had with Brian before his accident was his last trip home Christmas 1988. When we went to the airport to pick him up, I was expecting a tall good looking soldier in an Army uniform, but I couldn't find him in the crowd, I was frantic. Finally after searching over and over, I was shocked and surprised when a tall young man with a weird hairdo dressed in blue jeans and a casual shirt stood very close beside me and said in a deep low toned voice "mother" and I realize it was our Brian. After all the tears, hugs and kisses, the thoughts whizzed though my brain in an instance what had happened to that conservative kid that lived on a farm raising cows and fishing from our pond!!! Expecting him in uniform was explained simply and reasonably, the solders couldn't wear their dress uniforms when they flew due to the problems in the Middle East during the 80s. But, I knew Brian was so conservative, he had never gone in for radical hair dos but he really surprise his mom with this one! So, here he was the new image of Brian, the same sweet person, with a new hair do fresh from Germany!!! I will have to mention, my dad was so totally old fashion, Brian loved his grandpa so much, he made sure his hair was combed appropriately when he was around grandpa and there was no debating the issue, he understood and respected, Bri's choice and decision - he loved his grandpa.
We had a wonderful visit with Brian that Christmas. He was able to spend time with Tom who was only a baby and ironically Tom doesn't remember Brian in a normal state. Tom was raised with Brian as a totally disabled person. Brian was wonderful with kids and would have been a fabulous father.
When it was time for Brian to head back to his Army base at Stuttgart, Germany, we took him to McCarran Airport January, 1989, for his flight back to Germany; it was the last time we would see him as our active and energetic son Brian. Our next visit was in an ICU unit at Landstuhl Army Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany November 1989.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Memorial Day
The holiday has come and gone but it was a difficult one for me this year - don't understand why this year should be any different than the previous ones. It's been ten years since Brian died. We went to the cemetery early Sunday morning before Memorial Day because Bob and I are very private people, I don't like crowds, we don't do anything special by Brian's place - say a prayer, talk about him or just be quiet, but its our moment and we selfishly want to be left alone. Don had gone to visit Brian earlier, Kev and Alex were gone so we couldn't bring them. The sad thing to me is we ALL haven't been to visit Brian together, for some reason it bothers me that we can't do that. Brian wouldn't be upset because he knows, but I guess its the family thing and it's all in my head of what should be done.
The cemetery has enlarged so much since the day Brian was buried. There was no big chapel building. We had his ceremony with the military guards in a small pavilion. I remember when the soldier was handing me the flag that draped over Brian's casket his hands were shaking so much. I remember after the ceremony they pulled Brian's casket which was on a dolly by a lawn tractor and we stood there watching it go away from us - I thought why aren't we following it to his grave site - I didn't know what to do but stand there and watch him go. So, we went to his site for a short time. I guess there are somethings they don't do until the family leaves. We stayed awhile then went back later in the day. We buried him in his Army uniform.
There are so many things you never ever forget when it is your son. Your flesh and blood, the child you carried in your womb. Most women can tell you how it was in childbirth, I can tell you Brian's last breath.
Brian was a good and loving son. He was the type of person who was respectful and enjoyable to have around. He was not disagreeable nor negative, he was pleasant and thoughtful. He was a good Christian and he knew God and tried to live his life as the thought his Father would want him to. I miss him every day. I miss his laugh, the way he said "mother" when he would be upset with me for something silly. He was over 6ft 4 and would stand tall beside me like he could put something over on me - but he knew better. He was a good person.
But, life goes on, we have to tuck our memories and sadness in our side pocket and do the best we can, but there's always a void that will never ever be replaced.
The cemetery has enlarged so much since the day Brian was buried. There was no big chapel building. We had his ceremony with the military guards in a small pavilion. I remember when the soldier was handing me the flag that draped over Brian's casket his hands were shaking so much. I remember after the ceremony they pulled Brian's casket which was on a dolly by a lawn tractor and we stood there watching it go away from us - I thought why aren't we following it to his grave site - I didn't know what to do but stand there and watch him go. So, we went to his site for a short time. I guess there are somethings they don't do until the family leaves. We stayed awhile then went back later in the day. We buried him in his Army uniform.
There are so many things you never ever forget when it is your son. Your flesh and blood, the child you carried in your womb. Most women can tell you how it was in childbirth, I can tell you Brian's last breath.
Brian was a good and loving son. He was the type of person who was respectful and enjoyable to have around. He was not disagreeable nor negative, he was pleasant and thoughtful. He was a good Christian and he knew God and tried to live his life as the thought his Father would want him to. I miss him every day. I miss his laugh, the way he said "mother" when he would be upset with me for something silly. He was over 6ft 4 and would stand tall beside me like he could put something over on me - but he knew better. He was a good person.
But, life goes on, we have to tuck our memories and sadness in our side pocket and do the best we can, but there's always a void that will never ever be replaced.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)