It's almost his birth-day

In five days it will have been Brian's 44th birthday. He's been gone from this earthly life for 10 years.

I think that people who have never lost a child probably wonder why someone would still be obsessed in a way about a child who died that long ago. I can't answer that, but I know I never forget, no matter how long its been or what day it is.

I think about how different our life would have been if Brian were still alive. I know his strong personality and convictions would have given him a good life. He never lost his faith in God all the days he was away from home. Brian had a conscience and he lived by the rule. Not saying he was perfect. His brothers are constantly pointing that out to me, mentioning all the things he did and the stories he told them. I pass most of it off because he's not here to defend any of it, and I know them, and I know they exaggerate. I wonder too if they aren't jealous. That's an awful thing to say - a mother shouldn't find that fault with her children, or should she, can she?

If you can imagine how changing one event in your life this moment would be different. Destiny, is it written beforehand. Yes, freedom to choose but yet, are we led? I dunno.

I mostly speak of Brian during the time he was a live and active and vibrant. He had a wonderful contagious laugh. I suppose that would be one outstanding things about him I will always remember and his thoughtfulness too.

The biggest challenge in my life that changed my life aside from marrying my husband of 46 years and having four children, taking care of Brian was the one event in my life that was a beginning and an end and a beginning of a different life for me.

The thoughts and words go on forever. I feel hesitant to start writing about those day - thinking I will never stop writing. It is all about Brian and my devotion to him. He was a good son and I hated what happened to him. He didn't deserve it. I miss him so much.