Ten years, it is such a long time ago. With the passing of time, I can't remember this whole day with the exception of the evening when he left us. He had been so sick and his lungs were giving out.
I am watching two hummingbirds right now outside my window. The wind is blowing with a fervor. One hummer is holding on to a branch in the tree with all his might and the other is attempting to feed from the feeder near my window. They try to hold on and then fly away.
Brian wasn't expected to live and we were constantly advised by some physicians - not our regular one - to let him go. We felt as long as there was life and he could breathe on his own we would fight to keep him alive - I had hope beyond the planet Mars that he would recover. As this day ten years ago progressed, we had to face the fact his life was ending.
Like the hummingbirds struggling for nourishment , we struggled all our might to help Brian, to give him all the needs we knew he needed to help him. He was a very strong person and he outlasted the predictions of the professionals but it wasn't to be that he would go on in life.
We have heard of so many weird head injury accidents where the patients have recuperate and some who die. It is what it is. I have avoided the "why me" syndrome because there are too many other things that could be. We are given what we are given each in our world to cope with - sometimes we can handle it, and other times we fail, but "why me" is weakness - things can always be worse. I know it comes down to how I perceive it.
I was angry with God for many years - I didn't stop believing, but I stopped praying. I knew others prayed for me, and I was glad. I gave Brian and my life up to God to take care of us. God gave me great strength to accomplish for Brian and my family what I did during those days. But through all the hope and trust I had, I was sure God would save Bri. I know I should appreciate the time I had with Brian - and really I do. I never knew in a million years that I could do what I did for Brian and my family then. I won no awards or written up in a newspaper article, but caring for my son through horrible ordeals gave me great satisfactions. Love. The depth of a mother's love for her children is unmeasured. I guess that's the answer. We can accomplish great things because of love.
I won't forget Brian's last breathe as he laid in his bed in his room here at home. He was peaceful. God, I miss him so much. I wouldn't want him back in that condition, but I miss him. He was a sweet child.
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