Time

I created this particular blog to share how our life evolved around Brian and the care we gave him during the time he survived in a bed unable to do anything for himself. We are coming upon the tenth anniversary of the day he left this earth, so it goes without saying he does come to mind more frequently and with more sadness and remorse for our emptiness.

Regrets are probably the most emotion that is activated at any given time. I was Brian's primary caretaker and with that comes the stark reality of responsibility and must know what to do when, having everything just so so. In those days, I was on top of things, today I am a weakling. When he died I lost it all, because I gave it all to him. Oh, I guess that's an overstatement because I still had to raise Tom, our grandson, and he was a handful then. I'll never understand how I did it all. God was good to me, I know, but today, I feel let down.

One regret I have had was when I knew he was leaving us, I didn't take him in my arms and hold him tight. It would have been a difficult physical thing to do but I should have done it. I held his hand and touched his face and all those little things, but I regret not holding him in my arms one last time. Brian was a huggie person, a really good hugger too.

Now I know why I don't write in this place more often, it is very sensitive for me - very emotional to dig so deep in my soul of memories to bring him back. I have to make an effort to write about this wonderful man and what he meant to me and our family. His accident and how we took care of him touched many people's life. He didn't have a big funeral, only a few people came, but during the time of his life and after his accident in the Army hospital, VA hospital, and then home, we came in contact with many people who were touched. I know in this life it's not how much money we have or the size of our homes or what we have in them, but how we treat our fellow man and give glory to God in that way. If there is nothing else in my life, through it all the way I cared for Brian, my love and devotion raising Tom our grandson, and cherishing my husband will be my legacy.

18 years ago

As I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning, I realized it was a Catholic Holiday of Our Lady's Annunciation, and it was the day we brought Brian home 18 years ago from the Veteran's Hospital in Santa Monica, California. Boy what a ride that was!!! They flew Brian and I from LA to Nellis Air Force Base where an ambulance met us and brought him to our other home in Las Vegas. The house we are in now, we purchased and remodeled for his care. The other house was a tri-level and very difficult for me to get him around without having to use ramps and move them around myself.

It was a wonderful occasion bringing him home since we would have Brian home to celebrate my birthday a couple days later.

This was the beginning of a lifestyle I would have never dreamed of accomplishing. My whole life changed the day we brought Brian home. Our whole family's lives changed that day too. We were touched in a way that could never have happened as a result of caring for Brian. Amazing!

Packing up

We are getting ready to sell this house - the house we bought to care for Brian. I started yesterday with Brian's service photos and senior photo - it is so sad to do this. I miss him so and I cry as I carefully pack each momento of Brian's away.

On my mind

I've been delinquent posting on this blog because of the seriousness most days of my thoughts and feelings for Brian. I need to take time to really make a commitment for him to follow through daily.

This past weekend the high school he attended had their reunion. I know this because I have a FaceBook page and many of my Friends are the kids now grown adults that Brian grew up with or knew from high school. It has been very bittersweet since starting the FaceBook and have the friends from Brian write about their life, but I do feel a joy at hearing from them. I've also picked up on some of the parents of the kids and some were dear friends of mine.

It was sort of odd when some had asked about Brian and were surprised to find out he had passed away. These individuals had moved away from the town where they all grew up so that was reasonable to know. Some made comments about Brian being so kind and nice. And, that he was.

No matter how much time passes I miss him and his laugh most of all. I remember his temper and lack of control especially playing tennis in Germany. He said he was always having to buy new tennis rackets. I would imagine by this time in his life he would have good control on that temper.

He had a girlfriend who loved him as much as he loved her and I know she would have had a very positive effect on him. He would have been such a great father. The last time he was home, Tom was just a toddler and Brian was great with him.

Brian was a balanced and grounded individual with deep faith commitment to God. I know he would have had a good influence on our other kids and especially Tom.

I read that the VA hospital in Houston, Texas, have received several millions of dollars for TBI research. They do need the money especially now with the soldiers coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan with TBI. I feel like they didn't have all the information on brain injuries they needed both at the military hospital and the VA hospital in LA. The VA hospital was connected with the UCLA medical training hospital. Brian did have an examination once by two excellent doctors in training. It was refreshing getting an opinion from them, although, they were not able to offer an hope.

Once we got Brian home, it had been mentioned why they didn't put a tube in his brain to drain the swelling - that was a good question. This procedure should have been done right away or as things were occurring. I don't know and because I was so stupid on those things at that time, I didn't know what questions to ask.

How can you ask a question or inquire about any type of care if you have never experiences an illness before or have the benefit of a family member or friend with that experience. We were so alone. I knew of no one who had ever had a child with severe brain damage. It was a difficult time, but Bob and are are very independent and we did our best for Brian. Our hope was always high even during the times when the physician I had back then had no encouragement for me. He would ask me why I have so much hope - he was a discouragement as a physician. We were finally able to find an excellent physician who worked with us until Brian passed away and we are still good friends.

We are able to re-do Brian's room. We have been trying to get it together to paint the interior of the house since we may be selling. I had wallpaper with ducks and hunting stuff put in Brian's room because growing up on the farm he loved to hunt. But, he never regained his sight and never realized how his room looked. His bed left the rug very loose and there are wheel print in the rug today. We'll be stripping the wallpaper and replacing the rug. I'm not doing this to lessen the pain of Brian's death, but because it's time. It will be difficult, I think, just as it was when the VA came and took away his bed, lift, gurney, oxygen tanks, and all the equipment I had for his survival. They were so kind, they weren't ready to rush in and take everything away quickly because they wanted to - but they were respectful of our pain. We had grown close with many of those I worked with for so many years caring for Brian.

It's been almost twenty years since Brian's accident. So much happened between that time - it's almost like a picture book when you flash the pages quickly by - many changes.

Facebook

I signed up for the social entity - Facebook, about a month ago. I'm not too sure about all of it because there is a lot of stuff going on. The majority of people on my page consists of some old friends from where I grew up in Ohio and many of my friends are from Kentucky, primarily where the kids grew up on the farm and the Catholic Church we attended and the schools they attended.

One of the girls that I knew from church who attended the school with Brian posted a photo of the Confirmation class from our church in La Center. You know, it's a strange thing but I never know when the thought of Brian is going to hit me hard, and seeing him way back then really did me in and I had to sign off the computer completely.

My hair dresser and good friend, Kim, and I were talking this morning about how it feels losing a child. She said because she has never lost one but she can't imagine the feelings. It can be unbearable some times just thinking about him - doesn't matter that it's been nine years. I had hoped to write down how it was taking care of him for all the years he was here at home, but I don't know if I could get through it. I'm putting it off until I have no interruptions and no responsibilities. It is very depressing to think back to that time.

Brian was such a special person. I can still hear him laughing. He was a big tease, thoughtful and loving.

The youngins that my boys knew back then that I now read their Facebook comments are grown with teenage children. It is wonderful, though, they remember Bob and I, and especially the kids. It's a small farming community where everyone knows everyone. Pot lucks, get togethers, and Bible School in the summers are common. It was a great place for the kids to grow up.

Nine years

I am doing a lot of room changing recently which meant going through lots of files and packing up photos and stuff. I came across an envelope which was stored between some photo albums. On the front of the envelope the return address was from The White House, Washington, DC. I opened up the envelope and inside was a document stating "The United States of America honors the memory of Brian P. Sullivan. This certificate is awarded by a grateful nation in recognition of devoted and selfless consecration to the service of our country in the Armed Forces of the United States. It was signed by William J. Clinton, President of the United States.

And, with the document was a photo of Brian when he was serving in the U. S. Army.

I had forgotten we received this and it brought back so many memories of Brian. We took flowers to his gravesite on the ninth anniversary of his passing. It is difficult to adjust to how the time has passed since the night he left us. He was so sick. I know he is in a better place now, but I really do miss him and his laugh.

I have recently joined Facebook and many of the friends he went to school with are on the same Facebook that I am, including many of Brian's close friends. It is wonderful to read about their lives and their children. I know each of us has a part of a plan that God has in motion for us. I have to realize that Brian fulfilled his part and God needed him in Heaven. I believe also that Brian's life touched many especially when he was sick.

Please take care and God bless.

In a couple of days, it will be the ninth anniversary of Brian's passing. Just the other day a guy Brian went to school with in Kentucky, asked how he was doing. He didn't realize or had forgotten Brian was gone.

There is still so much sadness due to the void he leaves. He was a unique person. He would have been a wonderful husband and father. He would have brought much to our family get togethers. He was the conservative one that kept out of trouble. Well, pretty much, but he had high values.

It's allergy season and I didn't know much about allergies back then except Brian had it. He was on oxygen, at first only when he needed it, but towards the last couple of months more and more, more often. It was almost his time.