Title

I suppose it may seem questionable why I would name this blog Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream for my Son Brian. I'll explain, Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream is my very favorite flavor ice cream, always has been. There are two types of cherry vanilla - one is the dark cherry and the other is the cherry like the marachino cherries you buy in a bottle. The one I like is the cherry like the marachino - you use it in recipes like Banana Split Cake, in mixed drinks and lemonaide and other special things. The catch is - today my favorite is VERY difficult to find.

On our birthdays, the birthday person picks out their choice of flavor ice cream and cake. We have searched all over our area for my Cherry Vanilla - there's the dark cherries, but it has a heavier less sweet taste than the one I prefer.

My son Brian was my second child, he was a sweet child, thoughtful, considerate and loving. He bought me the most beautiful gifts. He was helpful. He wrote wonderfully long letters when he was in the Army. He loved God and never lost his faith when he left home. He was helpful and a hard worker. He had a fabulous laugh and a temper. He loved his mom and dad and his sister and brothers and nephew. He was honest and trustworthy. He was a good son. Brian was the dependable one.

I dedicated almost 10 years of my life taking care of Brian after his accident and I would do it again. When he died, so did a part of me. There is an emptiness, a void, and a silence when he was and should be. If you love something so much there is no label you can give it, but there is yearning for the presence, the laugh, smile and a word. Never did he ever say good-bye without saying I Love You Mom!

My search for Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream is not the same as the yearning for my son, but the sweet memories and desire for having it or being with my son is as close to talking about it as can be expressed.

Dreams

Brian has been gone almost nine years now and it never ceases to amaze Bob and I how his spirit still surrounds us. I am usually reluctant to bring up dreams because unless someone has experienced the same another may think I have lost my mind. I guess another phenomenon that goes with that is feeling is an aura when nothing is in eye sight. I am a very sensitive person and have premonitions so i guess all of those experiences go hand in hand. Ok, don't get the idea I am some kind of gypsy or fortune teller, I am just a normal sensitive mom that cries very easily at most sad movies, especially with babies, dogs, and old men.

Every once in awhile Brian comes to me in my dreams. I'm not so naive to believe that God has literally sent Brian down from heaven to visit me in my dreams but then could that be? I don't know what creates the environment for the dreams of Brian, maybe something that's happened during the day, but sometimes,there's been nothing to invoke the thoughts. I will admit however yesterday was a Brian day. The heating and air conditioning guys are here and they are attempting to removing lines for two humidifiers we had put in back when we bought this house in 1993. The water lines are up in the attic which in this house is actually only a crawl space.

Brian had severe respiratory problems and he was on oxygen. We thought having a humidifier would help Brian's breathing in this dry climate. It turns out the humidifier didn't work appropriately and after a period of time, Bob turned the water lines off because they were leaking. Today, they are trying to find out where the lines were run so they can disconnect and removed the units. We are selling the house so I guess we will be stimulating many of Brian's spirits as we paint and repair over knicks and knaks where Brian's wheelchair has dented, or in his room where the rug has wrinkled from rolling around the lift I used to get him out of bed. This was Brian's house, it was bought to care for him because of the open floor plan, everything was remodeled and arranged around him. It will serve another disabled person well if they chose to buy it.

My dreams of Brian are always happy. Last night's dream he was giving me a hug. Brian was a great hugger. He was 6 ft 4 and very buffed. He strived to keep physically fit all of his life - he was very slender. Brian had severe brain damage and was "on the brain injury scale" as a low level response, but Brian had his own method of responding and communicating that we understood. Of course, he never did anything to show off when we were with the doctors, at the hospital, or with strangers.

After experiencing one of Brian's dreams, we are left with a sad distant feeling. Our dreams are so real just like he is here in person. Its hard to let him go.

Trying to say

Posting to this blog is probably the most difficult task to start. I don't have trouble writing about anything I'm thinking about, but writing about Brian and what his life meant to me, what we went through caring for him and how much I miss him stirs too many memories and sorrows inside of me. It changes my mood completely, makes my disposition too soleum and handling my responsibilities difficult.

Even though Brian died almost nine year in April, I don't think the thought of him will ever leave me. I've lost my both my parents, my brother, and a dear friend, but I carried my son in my body and I remember his birth as though it was yesterday. After his accident, and months after being in the VA hospital in LA, I couldn't stand how horrible they treated my son, and I, with the support of our family, everyone, wanted Brian home. Brian had severe brain damange and respiratory problems, he was completely disabled. Brian was 6 ft 4 and slim - long and lean. He was on a 3 - 4 consciencous level and couldn't talk or see.

We brought him home from the VA hospital on August 15th, 1991. That day was a feast day of Our Lady, and two days later was my birthday.

This is a long story and it is late as I began this, so I'll stop now. There's more to tell that happened between the time we received the call from Brian's commanding officer on the Army base in Stuttgart, Germany, that on November 8th, 1989, Brian had an accident and the day we brought him home.

Veteran's Day

Bob, granddaughter Alexandra, and I went to the Boulder City Veteran's Cemetery where Brian is buried last night. We went to honor Brian for serving with the military and to remember his life and commemorate his death. Brian was a gun-ho soldier and he loved serving with the Army. He was well respected by his commanding officers and those he worked with - we know this first hand because we met them at the hospital in Landstuhl, Germany.

Today is the official Veteran's Day celebration at the cemetery. The Boy Scouts put American flags by each tombstone - it is an awesome site. There were a lot of people at the cemetery last night, but there will be a crowd today and memorial services in the chapel.

Brian's blog

Around this time of the year, I think more often about Brian and again in April the month he died. I mentioned to one of my son's yesterday that yesterday was the 19th anniversary of Brian's accident. And my son made a comment of how I kept track of things. It was a derogatory remark from him, but that's the way he is. For whatever reason it is natural for me to keep track of dates and how things affect me on that day. That son wasn't around on that day so he wouldn't have know how the telephone call from the military about Brian's accident affect Bob and I.

It was 5:30 in the morning when the call came through from his commanding officer. Brian was serving with the U. S. Army in Stuttgart, Germany. Both Bob and I were getting ready to go to work. I worked at Southwest Gas and Bob at Hoover Dam. Receiving any call that early in the morning makes you wary, but the quality of an overseas call has always been poor quality and this one was no different. Plus, getting a call to say your son was injured the shock factor sets in immediately and all reason and thinking goes out the door. Who thinks of grabbing a pencil and paper to write what you are hearing, I certainly didn't. I couldn't remember much after the officer hung up, I can't remember today what he said. But, I do remember what I did the rest of the day and those days and months following that telephone call.

I have just started putting photos in Brian's slide show on the upper right corner. The first one is when we lived on the farm in Kentucky. Brian was on the right end, and he must have been about 10 years old. The rest are his military photos and when he came home on leave. The photo the boxes are what the military shipped to us after he was placed in the VA hospital in Los Angeles from the Landstuhl Army Hospital, Germany via Walter Reed Medical Center in Washington. Bob and I traveled to LA and stayed in the travel trailer purchased for the purpose of monitoring Brian's condition and care. After one year, I couldn't stand the failure of the staff to give him appropriate care and monitoring and we requested to bring him home. There are photos of Brian in bed, in his wheelchair and with his family. I have many photos to add to this blog but it will take me time.

This time of the year always reminds me of what we went through to get Brian back to the states. The doctors in the Landstuhl Medical Center in Germany didn't expect him to live after his accident. I will continue to add to this blog, and the talk about the trials and travels we went through as a testament to Brian and the loving person he was.

My brother's birthday

This is my special blog for those family members who have passed on to better place so I couldn't let this day go by without thinking of my brother Nick. Today was his birthday.

Nick passed away last April 2007. He had been sick a long time. We lost touch towards the last couple of weeks of his life and I really feel badly about this. We had been close until he got really sick and was medicated a lot. Also, we lived in different parts of the country. He was in Ohio and I was here in Nevada. His kids were not good about keeping in touch with me. I did hear from his oldest son after Nick had died. The last time I saw Nick was October 2006 and we emailed often after that time.

Nick was eight years older than me. He was an accomplished pianist. He was a chemist and retired from Monsanto in Dayton, Ohio. He had three children. His first wife died of cancer and so did his second wife. He had COPD.

He had a terrific sense of humor and I will always remember how he could make me laughed. I really do miss not being able to call and talk to him.

The other day my oldest son Don was standing by the table where I was sitting and reading. I had said something silly and Don busted out laughing - his laugh was exactly like my brother's laugh. I was glad to hear that sound.

Brian

Birth - September 30, 1966

Death - April 5, 2000

This photo was taken some time after we brought Brian home from the VA hospital in LA. (1990)