I know I am a day after posting on what would have been Brian's 44th birthday. I thought about Bri all day. I knew I wanted to write. I knew I needed to write.
Brian's birthday is overshadowed by another important birthday - our grandson Tom's birthday on the 29th. We had a birthday party here at the house and of course, the celebration couldn't have gone by without talking about Brian. Bri did have the opportunity to meet Thomas on Bri's last visit home in 1988. Tom was only one year old. Unfortunately, the only thing Tom remembers about Brian was his condition after his accident.
It's been 10 years now since Brian passed and so many things have happened in our family since then. I often wonder how the presence of Brian in our family would have changed so many things had he not had the accident. Brian was a strong person, he had values and he didn't mind voicing his beliefs. I know he would have had a positive effect. I know it would be different with him around.
When we pray at the cemetery at his special place, we ask him to watch over us and to intercede to God for our family. Some days are really difficult to get through and those days we need all the extra assistance from Heavenly bodies that we can get.
We can only imagine what might have been had the accident been erased. He was with a wonderful girl who really loved him. It was a great consolations that he had that love. She would have made a wonderful wife for him. She was very creative and cared deeply for him. It was the kind of love you want for your children. We kept in touch for a few years during the time I cared for Brian, but eventually we lost touch. I've tried to google her, but to no avail. She was from my home state and even lived in the same part of the state. I thought that was so amazing. She was a very nice person. I do hope she is having a good life. She made Brian happy during the short time they had together.
Brian was a good son. I miss him.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
It's almost his birth-day
In five days it will have been Brian's 44th birthday. He's been gone from this earthly life for 10 years.
I think that people who have never lost a child probably wonder why someone would still be obsessed in a way about a child who died that long ago. I can't answer that, but I know I never forget, no matter how long its been or what day it is.
I think about how different our life would have been if Brian were still alive. I know his strong personality and convictions would have given him a good life. He never lost his faith in God all the days he was away from home. Brian had a conscience and he lived by the rule. Not saying he was perfect. His brothers are constantly pointing that out to me, mentioning all the things he did and the stories he told them. I pass most of it off because he's not here to defend any of it, and I know them, and I know they exaggerate. I wonder too if they aren't jealous. That's an awful thing to say - a mother shouldn't find that fault with her children, or should she, can she?
If you can imagine how changing one event in your life this moment would be different. Destiny, is it written beforehand. Yes, freedom to choose but yet, are we led? I dunno.
I mostly speak of Brian during the time he was a live and active and vibrant. He had a wonderful contagious laugh. I suppose that would be one outstanding things about him I will always remember and his thoughtfulness too.
The biggest challenge in my life that changed my life aside from marrying my husband of 46 years and having four children, taking care of Brian was the one event in my life that was a beginning and an end and a beginning of a different life for me.
The thoughts and words go on forever. I feel hesitant to start writing about those day - thinking I will never stop writing. It is all about Brian and my devotion to him. He was a good son and I hated what happened to him. He didn't deserve it. I miss him so much.
I think that people who have never lost a child probably wonder why someone would still be obsessed in a way about a child who died that long ago. I can't answer that, but I know I never forget, no matter how long its been or what day it is.
I think about how different our life would have been if Brian were still alive. I know his strong personality and convictions would have given him a good life. He never lost his faith in God all the days he was away from home. Brian had a conscience and he lived by the rule. Not saying he was perfect. His brothers are constantly pointing that out to me, mentioning all the things he did and the stories he told them. I pass most of it off because he's not here to defend any of it, and I know them, and I know they exaggerate. I wonder too if they aren't jealous. That's an awful thing to say - a mother shouldn't find that fault with her children, or should she, can she?
If you can imagine how changing one event in your life this moment would be different. Destiny, is it written beforehand. Yes, freedom to choose but yet, are we led? I dunno.
I mostly speak of Brian during the time he was a live and active and vibrant. He had a wonderful contagious laugh. I suppose that would be one outstanding things about him I will always remember and his thoughtfulness too.
The biggest challenge in my life that changed my life aside from marrying my husband of 46 years and having four children, taking care of Brian was the one event in my life that was a beginning and an end and a beginning of a different life for me.
The thoughts and words go on forever. I feel hesitant to start writing about those day - thinking I will never stop writing. It is all about Brian and my devotion to him. He was a good son and I hated what happened to him. He didn't deserve it. I miss him so much.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
One Day at a Time
I started this blog about Brian so I could put in words the experiences I had taking care of him, but it is difficult coming to this place and stirring up all those memories that I have suppressed. Remembering puts me in a depressed mood and there's been a lot of that going around here anyhow so I haven't wanted more. But, I know I need to write, it will be good for my soul to see it and read it from time to time. My experiences are probably unique. I do not know of anyone personally who has taken on the responsibility of caring for a totally disabled person as I have, especially when I didn't have to. I do not think myself special and above it all to have done this but at the time I was driven with the love and caring for my son Brian.
I had always been an independent person, thinking outside the box, never picking the popular road to travel, always willing for a challenge, if you said no, it can't be done, I would say, watch me! So, it was with Brian. I must be feeling sad for myself today because I feel as though I let him down in some things when he grew up, like he needed braces but I couldn't find the money in our budget, they were so expensive in those days and services not as plentiful as they are today. When he went into the Army and was graduating from boot camp, he wanted he to attend his graduation in another state but we couldn't - it was always the money and the farm. I think back and regret why didn't I find a way to go. Brian always tried harder to succeed than any of the other of my children - not to be impressive but because it was his disposition. Maybe I felt taking responsibility of caring for him was my way of feeling even for the things I couldn't give to him when he was growing up or what I couldn't do because of money. Guilt, I suppose, but protection too. It was about the care in the VA hospital at the time, I couldn't take it.
One of the last meetings we had with Brian before his accident was his last trip home Christmas 1988. When we went to the airport to pick him up, I was expecting a tall good looking soldier in an Army uniform, but I couldn't find him in the crowd, I was frantic. Finally after searching over and over, I was shocked and surprised when a tall young man with a weird hairdo dressed in blue jeans and a casual shirt stood very close beside me and said in a deep low toned voice "mother" and I realize it was our Brian. After all the tears, hugs and kisses, the thoughts whizzed though my brain in an instance what had happened to that conservative kid that lived on a farm raising cows and fishing from our pond!!! Expecting him in uniform was explained simply and reasonably, the solders couldn't wear their dress uniforms when they flew due to the problems in the Middle East during the 80s. But, I knew Brian was so conservative, he had never gone in for radical hair dos but he really surprise his mom with this one! So, here he was the new image of Brian, the same sweet person, with a new hair do fresh from Germany!!! I will have to mention, my dad was so totally old fashion, Brian loved his grandpa so much, he made sure his hair was combed appropriately when he was around grandpa and there was no debating the issue, he understood and respected, Bri's choice and decision - he loved his grandpa.
We had a wonderful visit with Brian that Christmas. He was able to spend time with Tom who was only a baby and ironically Tom doesn't remember Brian in a normal state. Tom was raised with Brian as a totally disabled person. Brian was wonderful with kids and would have been a fabulous father.
When it was time for Brian to head back to his Army base at Stuttgart, Germany, we took him to McCarran Airport January, 1989, for his flight back to Germany; it was the last time we would see him as our active and energetic son Brian. Our next visit was in an ICU unit at Landstuhl Army Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany November 1989.
I had always been an independent person, thinking outside the box, never picking the popular road to travel, always willing for a challenge, if you said no, it can't be done, I would say, watch me! So, it was with Brian. I must be feeling sad for myself today because I feel as though I let him down in some things when he grew up, like he needed braces but I couldn't find the money in our budget, they were so expensive in those days and services not as plentiful as they are today. When he went into the Army and was graduating from boot camp, he wanted he to attend his graduation in another state but we couldn't - it was always the money and the farm. I think back and regret why didn't I find a way to go. Brian always tried harder to succeed than any of the other of my children - not to be impressive but because it was his disposition. Maybe I felt taking responsibility of caring for him was my way of feeling even for the things I couldn't give to him when he was growing up or what I couldn't do because of money. Guilt, I suppose, but protection too. It was about the care in the VA hospital at the time, I couldn't take it.
One of the last meetings we had with Brian before his accident was his last trip home Christmas 1988. When we went to the airport to pick him up, I was expecting a tall good looking soldier in an Army uniform, but I couldn't find him in the crowd, I was frantic. Finally after searching over and over, I was shocked and surprised when a tall young man with a weird hairdo dressed in blue jeans and a casual shirt stood very close beside me and said in a deep low toned voice "mother" and I realize it was our Brian. After all the tears, hugs and kisses, the thoughts whizzed though my brain in an instance what had happened to that conservative kid that lived on a farm raising cows and fishing from our pond!!! Expecting him in uniform was explained simply and reasonably, the solders couldn't wear their dress uniforms when they flew due to the problems in the Middle East during the 80s. But, I knew Brian was so conservative, he had never gone in for radical hair dos but he really surprise his mom with this one! So, here he was the new image of Brian, the same sweet person, with a new hair do fresh from Germany!!! I will have to mention, my dad was so totally old fashion, Brian loved his grandpa so much, he made sure his hair was combed appropriately when he was around grandpa and there was no debating the issue, he understood and respected, Bri's choice and decision - he loved his grandpa.
We had a wonderful visit with Brian that Christmas. He was able to spend time with Tom who was only a baby and ironically Tom doesn't remember Brian in a normal state. Tom was raised with Brian as a totally disabled person. Brian was wonderful with kids and would have been a fabulous father.
When it was time for Brian to head back to his Army base at Stuttgart, Germany, we took him to McCarran Airport January, 1989, for his flight back to Germany; it was the last time we would see him as our active and energetic son Brian. Our next visit was in an ICU unit at Landstuhl Army Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany November 1989.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Memorial Day
The holiday has come and gone but it was a difficult one for me this year - don't understand why this year should be any different than the previous ones. It's been ten years since Brian died. We went to the cemetery early Sunday morning before Memorial Day because Bob and I are very private people, I don't like crowds, we don't do anything special by Brian's place - say a prayer, talk about him or just be quiet, but its our moment and we selfishly want to be left alone. Don had gone to visit Brian earlier, Kev and Alex were gone so we couldn't bring them. The sad thing to me is we ALL haven't been to visit Brian together, for some reason it bothers me that we can't do that. Brian wouldn't be upset because he knows, but I guess its the family thing and it's all in my head of what should be done.
The cemetery has enlarged so much since the day Brian was buried. There was no big chapel building. We had his ceremony with the military guards in a small pavilion. I remember when the soldier was handing me the flag that draped over Brian's casket his hands were shaking so much. I remember after the ceremony they pulled Brian's casket which was on a dolly by a lawn tractor and we stood there watching it go away from us - I thought why aren't we following it to his grave site - I didn't know what to do but stand there and watch him go. So, we went to his site for a short time. I guess there are somethings they don't do until the family leaves. We stayed awhile then went back later in the day. We buried him in his Army uniform.
There are so many things you never ever forget when it is your son. Your flesh and blood, the child you carried in your womb. Most women can tell you how it was in childbirth, I can tell you Brian's last breath.
Brian was a good and loving son. He was the type of person who was respectful and enjoyable to have around. He was not disagreeable nor negative, he was pleasant and thoughtful. He was a good Christian and he knew God and tried to live his life as the thought his Father would want him to. I miss him every day. I miss his laugh, the way he said "mother" when he would be upset with me for something silly. He was over 6ft 4 and would stand tall beside me like he could put something over on me - but he knew better. He was a good person.
But, life goes on, we have to tuck our memories and sadness in our side pocket and do the best we can, but there's always a void that will never ever be replaced.
The cemetery has enlarged so much since the day Brian was buried. There was no big chapel building. We had his ceremony with the military guards in a small pavilion. I remember when the soldier was handing me the flag that draped over Brian's casket his hands were shaking so much. I remember after the ceremony they pulled Brian's casket which was on a dolly by a lawn tractor and we stood there watching it go away from us - I thought why aren't we following it to his grave site - I didn't know what to do but stand there and watch him go. So, we went to his site for a short time. I guess there are somethings they don't do until the family leaves. We stayed awhile then went back later in the day. We buried him in his Army uniform.
There are so many things you never ever forget when it is your son. Your flesh and blood, the child you carried in your womb. Most women can tell you how it was in childbirth, I can tell you Brian's last breath.
Brian was a good and loving son. He was the type of person who was respectful and enjoyable to have around. He was not disagreeable nor negative, he was pleasant and thoughtful. He was a good Christian and he knew God and tried to live his life as the thought his Father would want him to. I miss him every day. I miss his laugh, the way he said "mother" when he would be upset with me for something silly. He was over 6ft 4 and would stand tall beside me like he could put something over on me - but he knew better. He was a good person.
But, life goes on, we have to tuck our memories and sadness in our side pocket and do the best we can, but there's always a void that will never ever be replaced.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
It's the end of the day, time for relaxing. The day was filled with good food and laughter with two of my children and granddaughter, and of course, husband Bob. Missing were grandson Tom who is in the Army but will be coming home soon, and missing also is our #1 Son, Don. He is a truck driver and is on the road somewhere in California with a broken down truck - he's stuck in one place until the truck is fixed. That's tough on him because he isn't paid when his truck is down.
I did not make it to the cemetery today to honor my Mother or to visit my son Brian. I will go this week to visit both. There are some days when I like quiet private time with my loved ones. It can be party time at the cemetery for some families. I can understand maybe they have completed their grieving process and are ready to move on to celebrating the wild times of their departed loved one's life. But, you know, Bob and I are quiet and private people, we do respect everyone their thing, but, I choose to go when I know there won't be children running all over the cemetery or people with their lawn chairs parked rows and rows around their area. I think it's wonderful their departed had so many loving admirers but its just not the way we pay our respect.
It is difficult enough to go to visit the cemetery to see our son or my mother. I would much rather they both be here at my home celebrating this beautiful Mother's Day enjoying the delicious food cooked by son Kevin. But, it is what it is.
I miss Brian every day I open my eyes and start a new day. I can hear his contagious laugh and enjoy his sense of humor and treasure his loving nature. There is a spot in my life that is empty, it is the spot he lived in, he was a wonderful son.
My Mother was the bestest, she was trusting, faithful, loving. She certainly didn't spoil me, back in the day, I got my share of spankings. She led me in the right direction. For a person who didn't have a lot of education she was very wise.
I was very fortunate to have these two phenomenal people in my life.
I did not make it to the cemetery today to honor my Mother or to visit my son Brian. I will go this week to visit both. There are some days when I like quiet private time with my loved ones. It can be party time at the cemetery for some families. I can understand maybe they have completed their grieving process and are ready to move on to celebrating the wild times of their departed loved one's life. But, you know, Bob and I are quiet and private people, we do respect everyone their thing, but, I choose to go when I know there won't be children running all over the cemetery or people with their lawn chairs parked rows and rows around their area. I think it's wonderful their departed had so many loving admirers but its just not the way we pay our respect.
It is difficult enough to go to visit the cemetery to see our son or my mother. I would much rather they both be here at my home celebrating this beautiful Mother's Day enjoying the delicious food cooked by son Kevin. But, it is what it is.
I miss Brian every day I open my eyes and start a new day. I can hear his contagious laugh and enjoy his sense of humor and treasure his loving nature. There is a spot in my life that is empty, it is the spot he lived in, he was a wonderful son.
My Mother was the bestest, she was trusting, faithful, loving. She certainly didn't spoil me, back in the day, I got my share of spankings. She led me in the right direction. For a person who didn't have a lot of education she was very wise.
I was very fortunate to have these two phenomenal people in my life.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Jacuzzi
After we brought Brian home from the Veteran's Hospital in LA, as you can imagine there was a lot of adjustments made for his care. We were living in a tri-level home at that time. We still had one son living at home, he was a senior in high school. Our daughter and her son were living in an apartment complex at that specific time, but all that would soon change within a month or so.
I adapted our living room into Brian's room complete with all the heath care necessities provided by the VA. He had a hospital bed, oxygen tanks with service provided for fill-ups weekly, we had a hydraulic roll around lift, a shower gurney which I kept in the garage, I had a set of ramps to get Brian to other levels of the house and outside. I purchased a computer desk to put his respiratory equipment on - suction machine, breathing treatment machine and supplies. This room was a completely active at home hospital looking room, with all the accoutrement's of a home surrounding, including the activity of a family. This is a condensed frame of the environment but in time we knew this wouldn't work for the long term. For Brian's sake, if there were an emergency and I were alone, it would be almost next to impossible for me to get him out of the house quickly, so our search began for a one level home suitable for his care - that was the primary objective.
About a month or so after bring Brian home, our daughter became mentally ill. I don't know how that happens, I still to this day do not understand what triggered her illness. The event of one day was the beginning of still another challenge for Bob and I. Our daughter appeared at our doorstep with our grandson, she said she couldn't take care of him any longer and she left. There was a taxi at the end of our street and she was getting in it when I stepped outside to see our grandson only three and a half at the time watching his mom go off - it was so very sad. The challenges from that time was enormous - caring for a total care person and raising another child. Only by the grace of God did we succeed - whether it was with total mental capacity on our part is to be questionable, but we did the best we could all the way through.
I'm fast forwarding to the time after we purchased the home which would be Brian's final home. My husband drove around neighborhood after neighborhood looking for the perfect place to bring Brian to and for our grandson too. The first time he passed this home he knew it was the right place. He drove me to see it, then we contacted the real estate agent and asked to see the interior. PERFECT! The minute we stepped into the home we knew it was right - I knew I had a lot of work to get it ready for Brian, but it was a do-able project which would come together so well, although, not without a lot of work and time. There were many many positive elements of this home, convenience, room, adaptability for handicap accessories, grounds space, and best of all a wonderful school system for our grandson. By this time, we had become his legal guardians and we were finally successful in persuading our daughter to enter the mental hospital. It's been a long difficult road for my daughter - many ups and downs.
One of the additions we made to the property was the addition of a jacuzzi. The room we prepared for Brian had originally been the den with a fireplace. I had the contractor cover up the wall and made a large area into a bathroom with a shower large enough for me to effectually roll Brian's shower gurney into so I could give him a shower weekly, he would get a bed bath every day, but he loved the shower. There were heaters in the ceiling, I had a shower sprayer on a long hose so I could be sure all parts of his body was washed and rinse. Mind you, as I haven't said much about it, Brian was 6 ft 4 - long and leggy. He had always been very athletic, a runner and tennis player. He loved running marathons in Germany while serving in the Army. So, getting him in and out to anything whether his wheelchair or the gurney was no short order easy job. The lift I had was wonderful and made my job easier. But, I made it my job to get him out of bed everyday - he would spent time with his family no matter where we were. Our home was an open floor plan, so he was easy to monitor no matter where he was in his wheelchair. I also had a intercom system put in and monitors which went to my office in the back of the house and our bedroom.
His room was on the backside of our home. I had double doors to replace the sliding glass door so it would be easy to get him out of the house, it would be easy if he was in his gurney, or in his bed and there was an emergency, it was convenient for the paramedics and emergency squad to reach his room - this happened often as he had several seizures which were bad and he had to be transported to the hospital. It was a simple and quick pathway to Brian's room from the driveway, I knew in his case, speed would be his salvation and I would work to make it the easiest for everyone involved with Brian's care.
Brian's room was on the patio side. Bob completely screened in the patio and included a pad which we had a jacuzzi put in for therapy for Brian. The VA would provide us with a lift to get him in and out of the jacuzzi. Having the screened in porch would allow me to open the doors for fresh air for Brian and for Brian to hear the birds singing. We have lots of trees around our house, so lots of birds. Brian couldn't see but his hearing was keen. He couldn't speak, but he could snort - he would communicate sometimes, especially during the quiet times when he wasn't sure anyone was around or a huge snort when he was very unhappy with whatever what happening to him - a story for another time. With brain damage patience, there is no one blueprint of conditions. Brian's condition was unique.
Bob was working on the jacuzzi yesterday and was brought to write about that today. We shut the jacuzzi down after Brian died - it was expensive to run, our kids weren't thrifty or thoughtful about how they let it run - the electric bill was so costly. But, since we were getting things ready to sell this house, it was appropriate to get the jacuzzi in order as well. It is so nice to look from what was Brian's room out to the patio and the jacuzzi. He was only in it one time - Bob got scared that Brian would fall into the water and drown, so we never got him in it. But, that one time, I knew Brian enjoyed being in the warm water. The expression on his face was so peaceful and he look contented. I regret that Bob was fearful and we couldn't have found another means of having a routine for Brian.
This is only one of many experiences with Brian. I wouldn't have changed my decision to bring him home to care for him even in retrospect of all I went through and what I've given up. It has been difficult, however, getting back to some type of semblance of what was a normal life before Brian - and it was never be again. Because when you lose a child, a part of you dies and never grows back.
Our grandson had difficulties in his life, but I loved his so much and "fought" for his needs when necessary. He met many challenges in life as he had to face many situation other children do not. He has grown up to be a wonderful grandson. He is very loving. He is so much fun and I love having him around. He is in the Army right now but will be home soon and I can't wait.
We never know what life has in store for us. I certainly do not want to know what my future has in store for me. I couldn't have imagined I would have or could have accomplished what I did to care for Brian and raise our grandson at the same time considering all that was required of me. I am not the same person today as I was in 1989 when I received the call from Germany. I can only repeat the old adage - God only gives us what we can handle.
I adapted our living room into Brian's room complete with all the heath care necessities provided by the VA. He had a hospital bed, oxygen tanks with service provided for fill-ups weekly, we had a hydraulic roll around lift, a shower gurney which I kept in the garage, I had a set of ramps to get Brian to other levels of the house and outside. I purchased a computer desk to put his respiratory equipment on - suction machine, breathing treatment machine and supplies. This room was a completely active at home hospital looking room, with all the accoutrement's of a home surrounding, including the activity of a family. This is a condensed frame of the environment but in time we knew this wouldn't work for the long term. For Brian's sake, if there were an emergency and I were alone, it would be almost next to impossible for me to get him out of the house quickly, so our search began for a one level home suitable for his care - that was the primary objective.
About a month or so after bring Brian home, our daughter became mentally ill. I don't know how that happens, I still to this day do not understand what triggered her illness. The event of one day was the beginning of still another challenge for Bob and I. Our daughter appeared at our doorstep with our grandson, she said she couldn't take care of him any longer and she left. There was a taxi at the end of our street and she was getting in it when I stepped outside to see our grandson only three and a half at the time watching his mom go off - it was so very sad. The challenges from that time was enormous - caring for a total care person and raising another child. Only by the grace of God did we succeed - whether it was with total mental capacity on our part is to be questionable, but we did the best we could all the way through.
I'm fast forwarding to the time after we purchased the home which would be Brian's final home. My husband drove around neighborhood after neighborhood looking for the perfect place to bring Brian to and for our grandson too. The first time he passed this home he knew it was the right place. He drove me to see it, then we contacted the real estate agent and asked to see the interior. PERFECT! The minute we stepped into the home we knew it was right - I knew I had a lot of work to get it ready for Brian, but it was a do-able project which would come together so well, although, not without a lot of work and time. There were many many positive elements of this home, convenience, room, adaptability for handicap accessories, grounds space, and best of all a wonderful school system for our grandson. By this time, we had become his legal guardians and we were finally successful in persuading our daughter to enter the mental hospital. It's been a long difficult road for my daughter - many ups and downs.
One of the additions we made to the property was the addition of a jacuzzi. The room we prepared for Brian had originally been the den with a fireplace. I had the contractor cover up the wall and made a large area into a bathroom with a shower large enough for me to effectually roll Brian's shower gurney into so I could give him a shower weekly, he would get a bed bath every day, but he loved the shower. There were heaters in the ceiling, I had a shower sprayer on a long hose so I could be sure all parts of his body was washed and rinse. Mind you, as I haven't said much about it, Brian was 6 ft 4 - long and leggy. He had always been very athletic, a runner and tennis player. He loved running marathons in Germany while serving in the Army. So, getting him in and out to anything whether his wheelchair or the gurney was no short order easy job. The lift I had was wonderful and made my job easier. But, I made it my job to get him out of bed everyday - he would spent time with his family no matter where we were. Our home was an open floor plan, so he was easy to monitor no matter where he was in his wheelchair. I also had a intercom system put in and monitors which went to my office in the back of the house and our bedroom.
His room was on the backside of our home. I had double doors to replace the sliding glass door so it would be easy to get him out of the house, it would be easy if he was in his gurney, or in his bed and there was an emergency, it was convenient for the paramedics and emergency squad to reach his room - this happened often as he had several seizures which were bad and he had to be transported to the hospital. It was a simple and quick pathway to Brian's room from the driveway, I knew in his case, speed would be his salvation and I would work to make it the easiest for everyone involved with Brian's care.
Brian's room was on the patio side. Bob completely screened in the patio and included a pad which we had a jacuzzi put in for therapy for Brian. The VA would provide us with a lift to get him in and out of the jacuzzi. Having the screened in porch would allow me to open the doors for fresh air for Brian and for Brian to hear the birds singing. We have lots of trees around our house, so lots of birds. Brian couldn't see but his hearing was keen. He couldn't speak, but he could snort - he would communicate sometimes, especially during the quiet times when he wasn't sure anyone was around or a huge snort when he was very unhappy with whatever what happening to him - a story for another time. With brain damage patience, there is no one blueprint of conditions. Brian's condition was unique.
Bob was working on the jacuzzi yesterday and was brought to write about that today. We shut the jacuzzi down after Brian died - it was expensive to run, our kids weren't thrifty or thoughtful about how they let it run - the electric bill was so costly. But, since we were getting things ready to sell this house, it was appropriate to get the jacuzzi in order as well. It is so nice to look from what was Brian's room out to the patio and the jacuzzi. He was only in it one time - Bob got scared that Brian would fall into the water and drown, so we never got him in it. But, that one time, I knew Brian enjoyed being in the warm water. The expression on his face was so peaceful and he look contented. I regret that Bob was fearful and we couldn't have found another means of having a routine for Brian.
This is only one of many experiences with Brian. I wouldn't have changed my decision to bring him home to care for him even in retrospect of all I went through and what I've given up. It has been difficult, however, getting back to some type of semblance of what was a normal life before Brian - and it was never be again. Because when you lose a child, a part of you dies and never grows back.
Our grandson had difficulties in his life, but I loved his so much and "fought" for his needs when necessary. He met many challenges in life as he had to face many situation other children do not. He has grown up to be a wonderful grandson. He is very loving. He is so much fun and I love having him around. He is in the Army right now but will be home soon and I can't wait.
We never know what life has in store for us. I certainly do not want to know what my future has in store for me. I couldn't have imagined I would have or could have accomplished what I did to care for Brian and raise our grandson at the same time considering all that was required of me. I am not the same person today as I was in 1989 when I received the call from Germany. I can only repeat the old adage - God only gives us what we can handle.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
New Day
We made it through another year anniversary of our loss. It may seem redundant to someone who has never lost a child and they may question why all the emotion. I do have a deep empty void for my parent who I lost in the 80s and my brother a few years ago. There's no easy path in life when someone we love dies. Losing a child, the child you carried inside your body and gave birth to means losing a part of yourself. I've heard people say they never expect their child to die before them. In the course of life, it is the old ones who go first, but in reality that's not the way it is.
In my life, I've had children who when they were babies were in the hospital with serious illnesses and needles stick in their beautiful fragile bodies. It is so tearful and hurtful to experience a baby ill in the hospital. The experience of a full grown son is no less painful.
In my life, I've had children who when they were babies were in the hospital with serious illnesses and needles stick in their beautiful fragile bodies. It is so tearful and hurtful to experience a baby ill in the hospital. The experience of a full grown son is no less painful.
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