Second Son

Birthday

2010-10-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

I know I am a day after posting on what would have been Brian's 44th birthday. I thought about Bri all day. I knew I wanted to write. I knew I needed to write.

Brian's birthday is overshadowed by another important birthday - our grandson Tom's birthday on the 29th. We had a birthday party here at the house and of course, the celebration couldn't have gone by without talking about Brian. Bri did have the opportunity to meet Thomas on Bri's last visit home in 1988. Tom was only one year old. Unfortunately, the only thing Tom remembers about Brian was his condition after his accident.

It's been 10 years now since Brian passed and so many things have happened in our family since then. I often wonder how the presence of Brian in our family would have changed so many things had he not had the accident. Brian was a strong person, he had values and he didn't mind voicing his beliefs. I know he would have had a positive effect. I know it would be different with him around.

When we pray at the cemetery at his special place, we ask him to watch over us and to intercede to God for our family. Some days are really difficult to get through and those days we need all the extra assistance from Heavenly bodies that we can get.

We can only imagine what might have been had the accident been erased. He was with a wonderful girl who really loved him. It was a great consolations that he had that love. She would have made a wonderful wife for him. She was very creative and cared deeply for him. It was the kind of love you want for your children. We kept in touch for a few years during the time I cared for Brian, but eventually we lost touch. I've tried to google her, but to no avail. She was from my home state and even lived in the same part of the state. I thought that was so amazing. She was a very nice person. I do hope she is having a good life. She made Brian happy during the short time they had together.

Brian was a good son. I miss him.

It's almost his birth-day

2010-09-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

In five days it will have been Brian's 44th birthday. He's been gone from this earthly life for 10 years.

I think that people who have never lost a child probably wonder why someone would still be obsessed in a way about a child who died that long ago. I can't answer that, but I know I never forget, no matter how long its been or what day it is.

I think about how different our life would have been if Brian were still alive. I know his strong personality and convictions would have given him a good life. He never lost his faith in God all the days he was away from home. Brian had a conscience and he lived by the rule. Not saying he was perfect. His brothers are constantly pointing that out to me, mentioning all the things he did and the stories he told them. I pass most of it off because he's not here to defend any of it, and I know them, and I know they exaggerate. I wonder too if they aren't jealous. That's an awful thing to say - a mother shouldn't find that fault with her children, or should she, can she?

If you can imagine how changing one event in your life this moment would be different. Destiny, is it written beforehand. Yes, freedom to choose but yet, are we led? I dunno.

I mostly speak of Brian during the time he was a live and active and vibrant. He had a wonderful contagious laugh. I suppose that would be one outstanding things about him I will always remember and his thoughtfulness too.

The biggest challenge in my life that changed my life aside from marrying my husband of 46 years and having four children, taking care of Brian was the one event in my life that was a beginning and an end and a beginning of a different life for me.

The thoughts and words go on forever. I feel hesitant to start writing about those day - thinking I will never stop writing. It is all about Brian and my devotion to him. He was a good son and I hated what happened to him. He didn't deserve it. I miss him so much.

One Day at a Time

2010-06-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

I started this blog about Brian so I could put in words the experiences I had taking care of him, but it is difficult coming to this place and stirring up all those memories that I have suppressed. Remembering puts me in a depressed mood and there's been a lot of that going around here anyhow so I haven't wanted more. But, I know I need to write, it will be good for my soul to see it and read it from time to time. My experiences are probably unique. I do not know of anyone personally who has taken on the responsibility of caring for a totally disabled person as I have, especially when I didn't have to. I do not think myself special and above it all to have done this but at the time I was driven with the love and caring for my son Brian.

I had always been an independent person, thinking outside the box, never picking the popular road to travel, always willing for a challenge, if you said no, it can't be done, I would say, watch me! So, it was with Brian. I must be feeling sad for myself today because I feel as though I let him down in some things when he grew up, like he needed braces but I couldn't find the money in our budget, they were so expensive in those days and services not as plentiful as they are today. When he went into the Army and was graduating from boot camp, he wanted he to attend his graduation in another state but we couldn't - it was always the money and the farm. I think back and regret why didn't I find a way to go. Brian always tried harder to succeed than any of the other of my children - not to be impressive but because it was his disposition. Maybe I felt taking responsibility of caring for him was my way of feeling even for the things I couldn't give to him when he was growing up or what I couldn't do because of money. Guilt, I suppose, but protection too. It was about the care in the VA hospital at the time, I couldn't take it.

One of the last meetings we had with Brian before his accident was his last trip home Christmas 1988. When we went to the airport to pick him up, I was expecting a tall good looking soldier in an Army uniform, but I couldn't find him in the crowd, I was frantic. Finally after searching over and over, I was shocked and surprised when a tall young man with a weird hairdo dressed in blue jeans and a casual shirt stood very close beside me and said in a deep low toned voice "mother" and I realize it was our Brian. After all the tears, hugs and kisses, the thoughts whizzed though my brain in an instance what had happened to that conservative kid that lived on a farm raising cows and fishing from our pond!!! Expecting him in uniform was explained simply and reasonably, the solders couldn't wear their dress uniforms when they flew due to the problems in the Middle East during the 80s. But, I knew Brian was so conservative, he had never gone in for radical hair dos but he really surprise his mom with this one! So, here he was the new image of Brian, the same sweet person, with a new hair do fresh from Germany!!! I will have to mention, my dad was so totally old fashion, Brian loved his grandpa so much, he made sure his hair was combed appropriately when he was around grandpa and there was no debating the issue, he understood and respected, Bri's choice and decision - he loved his grandpa.

We had a wonderful visit with Brian that Christmas. He was able to spend time with Tom who was only a baby and ironically Tom doesn't remember Brian in a normal state. Tom was raised with Brian as a totally disabled person. Brian was wonderful with kids and would have been a fabulous father.

When it was time for Brian to head back to his Army base at Stuttgart, Germany, we took him to McCarran Airport January, 1989, for his flight back to Germany; it was the last time we would see him as our active and energetic son Brian. Our next visit was in an ICU unit at Landstuhl Army Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany November 1989.

Memorial Day

2010-06-07T06:27:00.001-07:00

The holiday has come and gone but it was a difficult one for me this year - don't understand why this year should be any different than the previous ones. It's been ten years since Brian died. We went to the cemetery early Sunday morning before Memorial Day because Bob and I are very private people, I don't like crowds, we don't do anything special by Brian's place - say a prayer, talk about him or just be quiet, but its our moment and we selfishly want to be left alone. Don had gone to visit Brian earlier, Kev and Alex were gone so we couldn't bring them. The sad thing to me is we ALL haven't been to visit Brian together, for some reason it bothers me that we can't do that. Brian wouldn't be upset because he knows, but I guess its the family thing and it's all in my head of what should be done.

The cemetery has enlarged so much since the day Brian was buried. There was no big chapel building. We had his ceremony with the military guards in a small pavilion. I remember when the soldier was handing me the flag that draped over Brian's casket his hands were shaking so much. I remember after the ceremony they pulled Brian's casket which was on a dolly by a lawn tractor and we stood there watching it go away from us - I thought why aren't we following it to his grave site - I didn't know what to do but stand there and watch him go. So, we went to his site for a short time. I guess there are somethings they don't do until the family leaves. We stayed awhile then went back later in the day. We buried him in his Army uniform.

There are so many things you never ever forget when it is your son. Your flesh and blood, the child you carried in your womb. Most women can tell you how it was in childbirth, I can tell you Brian's last breath.

Brian was a good and loving son. He was the type of person who was respectful and enjoyable to have around. He was not disagreeable nor negative, he was pleasant and thoughtful. He was a good Christian and he knew God and tried to live his life as the thought his Father would want him to. I miss him every day. I miss his laugh, the way he said "mother" when he would be upset with me for something silly. He was over 6ft 4 and would stand tall beside me like he could put something over on me - but he knew better. He was a good person.

But, life goes on, we have to tuck our memories and sadness in our side pocket and do the best we can, but there's always a void that will never ever be replaced.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the day, time for relaxing. The day was filled with good food and laughter with two of my children and granddaughter, and of course, husband Bob. Missing were grandson Tom who is in the Army but will be coming home soon, and missing also is our #1 Son, Don. He is a truck driver and is on the road somewhere in California with a broken down truck - he's stuck in one place until the truck is fixed. That's tough on him because he isn't paid when his truck is down.

I did not make it to the cemetery today to honor my Mother or to visit my son Brian. I will go this week to visit both. There are some days when I like quiet private time with my loved ones. It can be party time at the cemetery for some families. I can understand maybe they have completed their grieving process and are ready to move on to celebrating the wild times of their departed loved one's life. But, you know, Bob and I are quiet and private people, we do respect everyone their thing, but, I choose to go when I know there won't be children running all over the cemetery or people with their lawn chairs parked rows and rows around their area. I think it's wonderful their departed had so many loving admirers but its just not the way we pay our respect.

It is difficult enough to go to visit the cemetery to see our son or my mother. I would much rather they both be here at my home celebrating this beautiful Mother's Day enjoying the delicious food cooked by son Kevin. But, it is what it is.

I miss Brian every day I open my eyes and start a new day. I can hear his contagious laugh and enjoy his sense of humor and treasure his loving nature. There is a spot in my life that is empty, it is the spot he lived in, he was a wonderful son.

My Mother was the bestest, she was trusting, faithful, loving. She certainly didn't spoil me, back in the day, I got my share of spankings. She led me in the right direction. For a person who didn't have a lot of education she was very wise.

I was very fortunate to have these two phenomenal people in my life.

The Jacuzzi

2010-04-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

After we brought Brian home from the Veteran's Hospital in LA, as you can imagine there was a lot of adjustments made for his care. We were living in a tri-level home at that time. We still had one son living at home, he was a senior in high school. Our daughter and her son were living in an apartment complex at that specific time, but all that would soon change within a month or so.

I adapted our living room into Brian's room complete with all the heath care necessities provided by the VA. He had a hospital bed, oxygen tanks with service provided for fill-ups weekly, we had a hydraulic roll around lift, a shower gurney which I kept in the garage, I had a set of ramps to get Brian to other levels of the house and outside. I purchased a computer desk to put his respiratory equipment on - suction machine, breathing treatment machine and supplies. This room was a completely active at home hospital looking room, with all the accoutrement's of a home surrounding, including the activity of a family. This is a condensed frame of the environment but in time we knew this wouldn't work for the long term. For Brian's sake, if there were an emergency and I were alone, it would be almost next to impossible for me to get him out of the house quickly, so our search began for a one level home suitable for his care - that was the primary objective.

About a month or so after bring Brian home, our daughter became mentally ill. I don't know how that happens, I still to this day do not understand what triggered her illness. The event of one day was the beginning of still another challenge for Bob and I. Our daughter appeared at our doorstep with our grandson, she said she couldn't take care of him any longer and she left. There was a taxi at the end of our street and she was getting in it when I stepped outside to see our grandson only three and a half at the time watching his mom go off - it was so very sad. The challenges from that time was enormous - caring for a total care person and raising another child. Only by the grace of God did we succeed - whether it was with total mental capacity on our part is to be questionable, but we did the best we could all the way through.

I'm fast forwarding to the time after we purchased the home which would be Brian's final home. My husband drove around neighborhood after neighborhood looking for the perfect place to bring Brian to and for our grandson too. The first time he passed this home he knew it was the right place. He drove me to see it, then we contacted the real estate agent and asked to see the interior. PERFECT! The minute we stepped into the home we knew it was right - I knew I had a lot of work to get it ready for Brian, but it was a do-able project which would come together so well, although, not without a lot of work and time. There were many many positive elements of this home, convenience, room, adaptability for handicap accessories, grounds space, and best of all a wonderful school system for our grandson. By this time, we had become his legal guardians and we were finally successful in persuading our daughter to enter the mental hospital. It's been a long difficult road for my daughter - many ups and downs.

One of the additions we made to the property was the addition of a jacuzzi. The room we prepared for Brian had originally been the den with a fireplace. I had the contractor cover up the wall and made a large area into a bathroom with a shower large enough for me to effectually roll Brian's shower gurney into so I could give him a shower weekly, he would get a bed bath every day, but he loved the shower. There were heaters in the ceiling, I had a shower sprayer on a long hose so I could be sure all parts of his body was washed and rinse. Mind you, as I haven't said much about it, Brian was 6 ft 4 - long and leggy. He had always been very athletic, a runner and tennis player. He loved running marathons in Germany while serving in the Army. So, getting him in and out to anything whether his wheelchair or the gurney was no short order easy job. The lift I had was wonderful and made my job easier. But, I made it my job to get him out of bed everyday - he would spent time with his family no matter where we were. Our home was an open floor plan, so he was easy to monitor no matter where he was in his wheelchair. I also had a intercom system put in and monitors which went to my office in the back of the house and our bedroom.

His room was on the backside of our home. I had double doors to replace the sliding glass door so it would be easy to get him out of the house, it would be easy if he was in his gurney, or in his bed and there was an emergency, it was convenient for the paramedics and emergency squad to reach his room - this happened often as he had several seizures which were bad and he had to be transported to the hospital. It was a simple and quick pathway to Brian's room from the driveway, I knew in his case, speed would be his salvation and I would work to make it the easiest for everyone involved with Brian's care.

Brian's room was on the patio side. Bob completely screened in the patio and included a pad which we had a jacuzzi put in for therapy for Brian. The VA would provide us with a lift to get him in and out of the jacuzzi. Having the screened in porch would allow me to open the doors for fresh air for Brian and for Brian to hear the birds singing. We have lots of trees around our house, so lots of birds. Brian couldn't see but his hearing was keen. He couldn't speak, but he could snort - he would communicate sometimes, especially during the quiet times when he wasn't sure anyone was around or a huge snort when he was very unhappy with whatever what happening to him - a story for another time. With brain damage patience, there is no one blueprint of conditions. Brian's condition was unique.

Bob was working on the jacuzzi yesterday and was brought to write about that today. We shut the jacuzzi down after Brian died - it was expensive to run, our kids weren't thrifty or thoughtful about how they let it run - the electric bill was so costly. But, since we were getting things ready to sell this house, it was appropriate to get the jacuzzi in order as well. It is so nice to look from what was Brian's room out to the patio and the jacuzzi. He was only in it one time - Bob got scared that Brian would fall into the water and drown, so we never got him in it. But, that one time, I knew Brian enjoyed being in the warm water. The expression on his face was so peaceful and he look contented. I regret that Bob was fearful and we couldn't have found another means of having a routine for Brian.

This is only one of many experiences with Brian. I wouldn't have changed my decision to bring him home to care for him even in retrospect of all I went through and what I've given up. It has been difficult, however, getting back to some type of semblance of what was a normal life before Brian - and it was never be again. Because when you lose a child, a part of you dies and never grows back.

Our grandson had difficulties in his life, but I loved his so much and "fought" for his needs when necessary. He met many challenges in life as he had to face many situation other children do not. He has grown up to be a wonderful grandson. He is very loving. He is so much fun and I love having him around. He is in the Army right now but will be home soon and I can't wait.

We never know what life has in store for us. I certainly do not want to know what my future has in store for me. I couldn't have imagined I would have or could have accomplished what I did to care for Brian and raise our grandson at the same time considering all that was required of me. I am not the same person today as I was in 1989 when I received the call from Germany. I can only repeat the old adage - God only gives us what we can handle.

New Day

2010-04-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

We made it through another year anniversary of our loss. It may seem redundant to someone who has never lost a child and they may question why all the emotion. I do have a deep empty void for my parent who I lost in the 80s and my brother a few years ago. There's no easy path in life when someone we love dies. Losing a child, the child you carried inside your body and gave birth to means losing a part of yourself. I've heard people say they never expect their child to die before them. In the course of life, it is the old ones who go first, but in reality that's not the way it is.

In my life, I've had children who when they were babies were in the hospital with serious illnesses and needles stick in their beautiful fragile bodies. It is so tearful and hurtful to experience a baby ill in the hospital. The experience of a full grown son is no less painful.

April 5th - 10 years ago he left us

2010-04-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

Ten years, it is such a long time ago. With the passing of time, I can't remember this whole day with the exception of the evening when he left us. He had been so sick and his lungs were giving out.

I am watching two hummingbirds right now outside my window. The wind is blowing with a fervor. One hummer is holding on to a branch in the tree with all his might and the other is attempting to feed from the feeder near my window. They try to hold on and then fly away.

Brian wasn't expected to live and we were constantly advised by some physicians - not our regular one - to let him go. We felt as long as there was life and he could breathe on his own we would fight to keep him alive - I had hope beyond the planet Mars that he would recover. As this day ten years ago progressed, we had to face the fact his life was ending.

Like the hummingbirds struggling for nourishment , we struggled all our might to help Brian, to give him all the needs we knew he needed to help him. He was a very strong person and he outlasted the predictions of the professionals but it wasn't to be that he would go on in life.

We have heard of so many weird head injury accidents where the patients have recuperate and some who die. It is what it is. I have avoided the "why me" syndrome because there are too many other things that could be. We are given what we are given each in our world to cope with - sometimes we can handle it, and other times we fail, but "why me" is weakness - things can always be worse. I know it comes down to how I perceive it.

I was angry with God for many years - I didn't stop believing, but I stopped praying. I knew others prayed for me, and I was glad. I gave Brian and my life up to God to take care of us. God gave me great strength to accomplish for Brian and my family what I did during those days. But through all the hope and trust I had, I was sure God would save Bri. I know I should appreciate the time I had with Brian - and really I do. I never knew in a million years that I could do what I did for Brian and my family then. I won no awards or written up in a newspaper article, but caring for my son through horrible ordeals gave me great satisfactions. Love. The depth of a mother's love for her children is unmeasured. I guess that's the answer. We can accomplish great things because of love.

I won't forget Brian's last breathe as he laid in his bed in his room here at home. He was peaceful. God, I miss him so much. I wouldn't want him back in that condition, but I miss him. He was a sweet child.

Time

2010-03-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

I created this particular blog to share how our life evolved around Brian and the care we gave him during the time he survived in a bed unable to do anything for himself. We are coming upon the tenth anniversary of the day he left this earth, so it goes without saying he does come to mind more frequently and with more sadness and remorse for our emptiness.

Regrets are probably the most emotion that is activated at any given time. I was Brian's primary caretaker and with that comes the stark reality of responsibility and must know what to do when, having everything just so so. In those days, I was on top of things, today I am a weakling. When he died I lost it all, because I gave it all to him. Oh, I guess that's an overstatement because I still had to raise Tom, our grandson, and he was a handful then. I'll never understand how I did it all. God was good to me, I know, but today, I feel let down.

One regret I have had was when I knew he was leaving us, I didn't take him in my arms and hold him tight. It would have been a difficult physical thing to do but I should have done it. I held his hand and touched his face and all those little things, but I regret not holding him in my arms one last time. Brian was a huggie person, a really good hugger too.

Now I know why I don't write in this place more often, it is very sensitive for me - very emotional to dig so deep in my soul of memories to bring him back. I have to make an effort to write about this wonderful man and what he meant to me and our family. His accident and how we took care of him touched many people's life. He didn't have a big funeral, only a few people came, but during the time of his life and after his accident in the Army hospital, VA hospital, and then home, we came in contact with many people who were touched. I know in this life it's not how much money we have or the size of our homes or what we have in them, but how we treat our fellow man and give glory to God in that way. If there is nothing else in my life, through it all the way I cared for Brian, my love and devotion raising Tom our grandson, and cherishing my husband will be my legacy.

18 years ago

2009-08-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning, I realized it was a Catholic Holiday of Our Lady's Annunciation, and it was the day we brought Brian home 18 years ago from the Veteran's Hospital in Santa Monica, California. Boy what a ride that was!!! They flew Brian and I from LA to Nellis Air Force Base where an ambulance met us and brought him to our other home in Las Vegas. The house we are in now, we purchased and remodeled for his care. The other house was a tri-level and very difficult for me to get him around without having to use ramps and move them around myself.

It was a wonderful occasion bringing him home since we would have Brian home to celebrate my birthday a couple days later.

This was the beginning of a lifestyle I would have never dreamed of accomplishing. My whole life changed the day we brought Brian home. Our whole family's lives changed that day too. We were touched in a way that could never have happened as a result of caring for Brian. Amazing!

Packing up

2009-08-08T12:24:00.001-07:00

We are getting ready to sell this house - the house we bought to care for Brian. I started yesterday with Brian's service photos and senior photo - it is so sad to do this. I miss him so and I cry as I carefully pack each momento of Brian's away.

On my mind

2009-08-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

I've been delinquent posting on this blog because of the seriousness most days of my thoughts and feelings for Brian. I need to take time to really make a commitment for him to follow through daily.

This past weekend the high school he attended had their reunion. I know this because I have a FaceBook page and many of my Friends are the kids now grown adults that Brian grew up with or knew from high school. It has been very bittersweet since starting the FaceBook and have the friends from Brian write about their life, but I do feel a joy at hearing from them. I've also picked up on some of the parents of the kids and some were dear friends of mine.

It was sort of odd when some had asked about Brian and were surprised to find out he had passed away. These individuals had moved away from the town where they all grew up so that was reasonable to know. Some made comments about Brian being so kind and nice. And, that he was.

No matter how much time passes I miss him and his laugh most of all. I remember his temper and lack of control especially playing tennis in Germany. He said he was always having to buy new tennis rackets. I would imagine by this time in his life he would have good control on that temper.

He had a girlfriend who loved him as much as he loved her and I know she would have had a very positive effect on him. He would have been such a great father. The last time he was home, Tom was just a toddler and Brian was great with him.

Brian was a balanced and grounded individual with deep faith commitment to God. I know he would have had a good influence on our other kids and especially Tom.

I read that the VA hospital in Houston, Texas, have received several millions of dollars for TBI research. They do need the money especially now with the soldiers coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan with TBI. I feel like they didn't have all the information on brain injuries they needed both at the military hospital and the VA hospital in LA. The VA hospital was connected with the UCLA medical training hospital. Brian did have an examination once by two excellent doctors in training. It was refreshing getting an opinion from them, although, they were not able to offer an hope.

Once we got Brian home, it had been mentioned why they didn't put a tube in his brain to drain the swelling - that was a good question. This procedure should have been done right away or as things were occurring. I don't know and because I was so stupid on those things at that time, I didn't know what questions to ask.

How can you ask a question or inquire about any type of care if you have never experiences an illness before or have the benefit of a family member or friend with that experience. We were so alone. I knew of no one who had ever had a child with severe brain damage. It was a difficult time, but Bob and are are very independent and we did our best for Brian. Our hope was always high even during the times when the physician I had back then had no encouragement for me. He would ask me why I have so much hope - he was a discouragement as a physician. We were finally able to find an excellent physician who worked with us until Brian passed away and we are still good friends.

We are able to re-do Brian's room. We have been trying to get it together to paint the interior of the house since we may be selling. I had wallpaper with ducks and hunting stuff put in Brian's room because growing up on the farm he loved to hunt. But, he never regained his sight and never realized how his room looked. His bed left the rug very loose and there are wheel print in the rug today. We'll be stripping the wallpaper and replacing the rug. I'm not doing this to lessen the pain of Brian's death, but because it's time. It will be difficult, I think, just as it was when the VA came and took away his bed, lift, gurney, oxygen tanks, and all the equipment I had for his survival. They were so kind, they weren't ready to rush in and take everything away quickly because they wanted to - but they were respectful of our pain. We had grown close with many of those I worked with for so many years caring for Brian.

It's been almost twenty years since Brian's accident. So much happened between that time - it's almost like a picture book when you flash the pages quickly by - many changes.

Facebook

2009-05-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

I signed up for the social entity - Facebook, about a month ago. I'm not too sure about all of it because there is a lot of stuff going on. The majority of people on my page consists of some old friends from where I grew up in Ohio and many of my friends are from Kentucky, primarily where the kids grew up on the farm and the Catholic Church we attended and the schools they attended.

One of the girls that I knew from church who attended the school with Brian posted a photo of the Confirmation class from our church in La Center. You know, it's a strange thing but I never know when the thought of Brian is going to hit me hard, and seeing him way back then really did me in and I had to sign off the computer completely.

My hair dresser and good friend, Kim, and I were talking this morning about how it feels losing a child. She said because she has never lost one but she can't imagine the feelings. It can be unbearable some times just thinking about him - doesn't matter that it's been nine years. I had hoped to write down how it was taking care of him for all the years he was here at home, but I don't know if I could get through it. I'm putting it off until I have no interruptions and no responsibilities. It is very depressing to think back to that time.

Brian was such a special person. I can still hear him laughing. He was a big tease, thoughtful and loving.

The youngins that my boys knew back then that I now read their Facebook comments are grown with teenage children. It is wonderful, though, they remember Bob and I, and especially the kids. It's a small farming community where everyone knows everyone. Pot lucks, get togethers, and Bible School in the summers are common. It was a great place for the kids to grow up.

Nine years

2009-05-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

I am doing a lot of room changing recently which meant going through lots of files and packing up photos and stuff. I came across an envelope which was stored between some photo albums. On the front of the envelope the return address was from The White House, Washington, DC. I opened up the envelope and inside was a document stating "The United States of America honors the memory of Brian P. Sullivan. This certificate is awarded by a grateful nation in recognition of devoted and selfless consecration to the service of our country in the Armed Forces of the United States. It was signed by William J. Clinton, President of the United States.

And, with the document was a photo of Brian when he was serving in the U. S. Army.

I had forgotten we received this and it brought back so many memories of Brian. We took flowers to his gravesite on the ninth anniversary of his passing. It is difficult to adjust to how the time has passed since the night he left us. He was so sick. I know he is in a better place now, but I really do miss him and his laugh.

I have recently joined Facebook and many of the friends he went to school with are on the same Facebook that I am, including many of Brian's close friends. It is wonderful to read about their lives and their children. I know each of us has a part of a plan that God has in motion for us. I have to realize that Brian fulfilled his part and God needed him in Heaven. I believe also that Brian's life touched many especially when he was sick.

Please take care and God bless.

2009-04-01T22:04:00.000-07:00

In a couple of days, it will be the ninth anniversary of Brian's passing. Just the other day a guy Brian went to school with in Kentucky, asked how he was doing. He didn't realize or had forgotten Brian was gone.

There is still so much sadness due to the void he leaves. He was a unique person. He would have been a wonderful husband and father. He would have brought much to our family get togethers. He was the conservative one that kept out of trouble. Well, pretty much, but he had high values.

It's allergy season and I didn't know much about allergies back then except Brian had it. He was on oxygen, at first only when he needed it, but towards the last couple of months more and more, more often. It was almost his time.

Brothers talking

2009-03-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

Last night Bob and I stepped outside to say good night to the boys. Don had stopped by on his way through town. He and Kevin were at the smoking table out in the backyard. They were having a beer and chatting about Brian and one particular incident Brian was involved in when he was a teenager. Bob happened in on the discussion as he passed by on the way to the trash. Don was asking questions about the location of the incident. Brian had wrecked Bob's old used Oldsmobile but Don was relating the story incorrectly and when Bob told Don so, he shouted out a few choice works about his brother and the fact he wasn't totally honest at how he wrecked the car that day on Government Pond Road.

We lived on the farm at the time and as you may know there are a lot of country gravel roads in the country. Brian had two friends in the car with him that day and they were Sullivan's too - distant cousins, I think. The boys were on their way fishing at the government pond which is located on the gravel road not far from our place. There are a few homes on that road but none directly in the area around the pond.

The story Don had, he said from Brian, was Brian tried to jump the hill going at a fast rate of speed, but Bob's story was different. Bob said Brian was trying to spin out in a circle and lost control of the car. The car ended up upside down in a ditch which was a blessing! The boys were able to climb out of the car and none of them were hurt. God was watching out. A neighbor happened down the road and came to our house and got us - no cell phones then! When we arrived at the scene of the accident the two Sullivan boys were sitting on the hill acting very innocent - and Brian was pacing. He knew from the look on his dad's face he was in trouble. Brian always had a guilty conscience anyhow, and he was really sorry he messed up.

Bob had bought this Oldsmobile from a friend and it was a good used car. Back in those days it wasn't as common to have two cars or more to a family. But, we lived way out in the country and Bob wanted me to have some transportation, and there was a point when we could financially afford an second car albeit older and used, but it ran well and got him to work. After Brian's speedo escapade there was no second car anymore. Not much was said to either Brian or the two Sullivan boys. Brian knew he really screwed up big time without Bob having to say much. Bob was upset about the car, but was very very thankful the boys weren't hurt. I don't remember the punishment for that incident but Brian never tried that again.

I was out of sight but not out of hearing range last night as the boys were talking about Brian. Don was very excited and laughing and saying things about Brian since in Don's mind Brian had told him the story a little differently than what really happened. I was contented as I listened to the boys and Bob reminisce. I think it is special when I hear the boys talking about their past experiences growing up. I enjoy hearing them talk about Brian, although it may be a little one sided since Brian's not here to defend himself against any misgivings or false stories either Kevin or Don may tell. I am certain they have told a few tales that weren't entirely accurate about Brian.

Brothers always have stories to tell about each other. They don't want to be the ones on the outside in double dutch all the time and its easy to point the finger when the other one's not around. I wish Brian was here to put in his two cents. Those three boys sure kept me busy. Suzanne being the only girl was one tough cookie too - she could definitely hold her own and still can. Having three brothers will do that to a girl, I suppose.

I know Brian is with us, I know he would want to be right in the middle of the conversation and having a beer with his brothers. Someday - in Heaven when all is said and done, we'll all meet again and have a beer in celebration!

Title

2009-02-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

I suppose it may seem questionable why I would name this blog Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream for my Son Brian. I'll explain, Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream is my very favorite flavor ice cream, always has been. There are two types of cherry vanilla - one is the dark cherry and the other is the cherry like the marachino cherries you buy in a bottle. The one I like is the cherry like the marachino - you use it in recipes like Banana Split Cake, in mixed drinks and lemonaide and other special things. The catch is - today my favorite is VERY difficult to find.

On our birthdays, the birthday person picks out their choice of flavor ice cream and cake. We have searched all over our area for my Cherry Vanilla - there's the dark cherries, but it has a heavier less sweet taste than the one I prefer.

My son Brian was my second child, he was a sweet child, thoughtful, considerate and loving. He bought me the most beautiful gifts. He was helpful. He wrote wonderfully long letters when he was in the Army. He loved God and never lost his faith when he left home. He was helpful and a hard worker. He had a fabulous laugh and a temper. He loved his mom and dad and his sister and brothers and nephew. He was honest and trustworthy. He was a good son. Brian was the dependable one.

I dedicated almost 10 years of my life taking care of Brian after his accident and I would do it again. When he died, so did a part of me. There is an emptiness, a void, and a silence when he was and should be. If you love something so much there is no label you can give it, but there is yearning for the presence, the laugh, smile and a word. Never did he ever say good-bye without saying I Love You Mom!

My search for Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream is not the same as the yearning for my son, but the sweet memories and desire for having it or being with my son is as close to talking about it as can be expressed.

Dreams

2009-02-27T08:00:00.001-08:00

Brian has been gone almost nine years now and it never ceases to amaze Bob and I how his spirit still surrounds us. I am usually reluctant to bring up dreams because unless someone has experienced the same another may think I have lost my mind. I guess another phenomenon that goes with that is feeling is an aura when nothing is in eye sight. I am a very sensitive person and have premonitions so i guess all of those experiences go hand in hand. Ok, don't get the idea I am some kind of gypsy or fortune teller, I am just a normal sensitive mom that cries very easily at most sad movies, especially with babies, dogs, and old men.

Every once in awhile Brian comes to me in my dreams. I'm not so naive to believe that God has literally sent Brian down from heaven to visit me in my dreams but then could that be? I don't know what creates the environment for the dreams of Brian, maybe something that's happened during the day, but sometimes,there's been nothing to invoke the thoughts. I will admit however yesterday was a Brian day. The heating and air conditioning guys are here and they are attempting to removing lines for two humidifiers we had put in back when we bought this house in 1993. The water lines are up in the attic which in this house is actually only a crawl space.

Brian had severe respiratory problems and he was on oxygen. We thought having a humidifier would help Brian's breathing in this dry climate. It turns out the humidifier didn't work appropriately and after a period of time, Bob turned the water lines off because they were leaking. Today, they are trying to find out where the lines were run so they can disconnect and removed the units. We are selling the house so I guess we will be stimulating many of Brian's spirits as we paint and repair over knicks and knaks where Brian's wheelchair has dented, or in his room where the rug has wrinkled from rolling around the lift I used to get him out of bed. This was Brian's house, it was bought to care for him because of the open floor plan, everything was remodeled and arranged around him. It will serve another disabled person well if they chose to buy it.

My dreams of Brian are always happy. Last night's dream he was giving me a hug. Brian was a great hugger. He was 6 ft 4 and very buffed. He strived to keep physically fit all of his life - he was very slender. Brian had severe brain damage and was "on the brain injury scale" as a low level response, but Brian had his own method of responding and communicating that we understood. Of course, he never did anything to show off when we were with the doctors, at the hospital, or with strangers.

After experiencing one of Brian's dreams, we are left with a sad distant feeling. Our dreams are so real just like he is here in person. Its hard to let him go.

Trying to say

2009-01-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

Posting to this blog is probably the most difficult task to start. I don't have trouble writing about anything I'm thinking about, but writing about Brian and what his life meant to me, what we went through caring for him and how much I miss him stirs too many memories and sorrows inside of me. It changes my mood completely, makes my disposition too soleum and handling my responsibilities difficult.

Even though Brian died almost nine year in April, I don't think the thought of him will ever leave me. I've lost my both my parents, my brother, and a dear friend, but I carried my son in my body and I remember his birth as though it was yesterday. After his accident, and months after being in the VA hospital in LA, I couldn't stand how horrible they treated my son, and I, with the support of our family, everyone, wanted Brian home. Brian had severe brain damange and respiratory problems, he was completely disabled. Brian was 6 ft 4 and slim - long and lean. He was on a 3 - 4 consciencous level and couldn't talk or see.

We brought him home from the VA hospital on August 15th, 1991. That day was a feast day of Our Lady, and two days later was my birthday.

This is a long story and it is late as I began this, so I'll stop now. There's more to tell that happened between the time we received the call from Brian's commanding officer on the Army base in Stuttgart, Germany, that on November 8th, 1989, Brian had an accident and the day we brought him home.

Veteran's Day

2008-11-11T08:11:00.000-08:00

Bob, granddaughter Alexandra, and I went to the Boulder City Veteran's Cemetery where Brian is buried last night. We went to honor Brian for serving with the military and to remember his life and commemorate his death. Brian was a gun-ho soldier and he loved serving with the Army. He was well respected by his commanding officers and those he worked with - we know this first hand because we met them at the hospital in Landstuhl, Germany.

Today is the official Veteran's Day celebration at the cemetery. The Boy Scouts put American flags by each tombstone - it is an awesome site. There were a lot of people at the cemetery last night, but there will be a crowd today and memorial services in the chapel.

Brian's blog

2008-11-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

Around this time of the year, I think more often about Brian and again in April the month he died. I mentioned to one of my son's yesterday that yesterday was the 19th anniversary of Brian's accident. And my son made a comment of how I kept track of things. It was a derogatory remark from him, but that's the way he is. For whatever reason it is natural for me to keep track of dates and how things affect me on that day. That son wasn't around on that day so he wouldn't have know how the telephone call from the military about Brian's accident affect Bob and I.

It was 5:30 in the morning when the call came through from his commanding officer. Brian was serving with the U. S. Army in Stuttgart, Germany. Both Bob and I were getting ready to go to work. I worked at Southwest Gas and Bob at Hoover Dam. Receiving any call that early in the morning makes you wary, but the quality of an overseas call has always been poor quality and this one was no different. Plus, getting a call to say your son was injured the shock factor sets in immediately and all reason and thinking goes out the door. Who thinks of grabbing a pencil and paper to write what you are hearing, I certainly didn't. I couldn't remember much after the officer hung up, I can't remember today what he said. But, I do remember what I did the rest of the day and those days and months following that telephone call.

I have just started putting photos in Brian's slide show on the upper right corner. The first one is when we lived on the farm in Kentucky. Brian was on the right end, and he must have been about 10 years old. The rest are his military photos and when he came home on leave. The photo the boxes are what the military shipped to us after he was placed in the VA hospital in Los Angeles from the Landstuhl Army Hospital, Germany via Walter Reed Medical Center in Washington. Bob and I traveled to LA and stayed in the travel trailer purchased for the purpose of monitoring Brian's condition and care. After one year, I couldn't stand the failure of the staff to give him appropriate care and monitoring and we requested to bring him home. There are photos of Brian in bed, in his wheelchair and with his family. I have many photos to add to this blog but it will take me time.

This time of the year always reminds me of what we went through to get Brian back to the states. The doctors in the Landstuhl Medical Center in Germany didn't expect him to live after his accident. I will continue to add to this blog, and the talk about the trials and travels we went through as a testament to Brian and the loving person he was.

My brother's birthday

2008-09-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

This is my special blog for those family members who have passed on to better place so I couldn't let this day go by without thinking of my brother Nick. Today was his birthday.

Nick passed away last April 2007. He had been sick a long time. We lost touch towards the last couple of weeks of his life and I really feel badly about this. We had been close until he got really sick and was medicated a lot. Also, we lived in different parts of the country. He was in Ohio and I was here in Nevada. His kids were not good about keeping in touch with me. I did hear from his oldest son after Nick had died. The last time I saw Nick was October 2006 and we emailed often after that time.

Nick was eight years older than me. He was an accomplished pianist. He was a chemist and retired from Monsanto in Dayton, Ohio. He had three children. His first wife died of cancer and so did his second wife. He had COPD.

He had a terrific sense of humor and I will always remember how he could make me laughed. I really do miss not being able to call and talk to him.

The other day my oldest son Don was standing by the table where I was sitting and reading. I had said something silly and Don busted out laughing - his laugh was exactly like my brother's laugh. I was glad to hear that sound.

Brian

2008-09-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Birth - September 30, 1966

Death - April 5, 2000

This photo was taken some time after we brought Brian home from the VA hospital in LA. (1990)